


All Of London

by GlenAndTheWorms



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Anxiety, Explicit Language, Gay, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, London, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Panic Attacks, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Slow Burn, Smoking, it's funnier than it sounds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2020-05-31 14:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19427716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlenAndTheWorms/pseuds/GlenAndTheWorms
Summary: Remus Lupin is a tired, overworked receptionist in a London hostel. Disappointed in his life in the city he is about to move back home when Sirius Black turns up, applying for a job. Against his better judgment Remus gives him a chance, not knowing that his life will change forever.- Sirius nodded and then, with a solemn expression, folded his hands over his heart. “Remus, I hope you can still work alongside me, now that you know about my dark secrets.” Remus rolled his eyes. “I think I can manage. What would those be anyway? Nicked something from a dairy when you were a teenager?” Sirius smirked and leaned closer to Remus. “Want to find out?” -





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work, so all feedback is greatly appreciated  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes the time and about twenty Australian chicks.  
> (Edited upon suggestion. I hope adding more paragraphs makes the whole thing easier to read. Please keep the feedback coming!)

It was ten in the morning and Remus could already feel the sun on his skin. It was an unusually hot October and Remus cursed straws, cars and the smog in China. He disliked hot weather with a passion, almost as much as he hated the already drunk guests of AllOfLondon that stumbled around in the cramped smoking area just outside the hostel. Remus prayed that they wouldn't recognize him if he didn't sit behind the reception desk or crouched before a clogged toilet.

The cigarette that he held gracelessly between his fingers was almost finished which meant he had to get back and face the day but he was desperate to drag out the moment a little while longer.

His colleague Alice had quit last week and whilst Remus didn't particularly enjoyed doing double shifts, having to conduct interviews by himself somehow seemed far worse. Sybill, the young, unfocused manager of AllOfLondon had given him a handwritten sheet with a few questions he was to ask the interviewees but apart from that he was unprepared.

Ten past ten, and Remus made his way back, having to shuffle past a few tipsy Dutch girls, trying hard not to make eye contact. The reception desk was crammed with papers, leaflets, bottle caps and barely fit the computer screen and the dusty keyboard. It was probably Remus job to clean this mess but Sybill either didn't notice the mess or it was part of the hostels shabby aesthetic; A concerning mix of esoteric trinkets, party culture and something specifically Sybill. The hostel always smelled of incense and dust and made Remus' head hurt. The smell was probably the reason he had started smoking. It was the only way to justify standing out front without looking lazy.

Twenty past ten, and Remus checked the timetable. The first person was supposed to be here by now but apart from a few guests that wanted to check out, nobody had made their way to the reception. Remus was relieved as this meant that he only had to interview three people today.

It was a quiet Wednesday morning, so Remus picked up the book he was reading at the moment. It was one of the countless ones that travelers had left in the hostel lounge over the years and was quite promising. He lost himself between the pages and didn't look up until he heard someone knocking on the reception desk.

This wasn't the first time Remus had accidentally ignored a guest, so he wasn't too embarrassed, but the second he looked up, he felt like the air was knocked out of him.

The man standing opposite him was, for the lack of a better word, absolutely gorgeous. Remus swallowed and felt himself blushing, he wasn't too pale but his freckled skin was prone to turning scarlet at the slightest emotion, a trade that Remus despised.

He took at deep breath, that he hoped wasn't too obvious, and smiled his receptionist-smile.

“Hi, welcome to AllOfLondon, I'm Remus, your receptionist. How can I help you?”

The guy smirked, whilst somehow looking completely bored.

“ _My_ receptionist?”

His remark made Remus blush even deeper, but he tried to ignore the heat in his cheeks and simply shrugged.

“Well you'll have to share me with about twenty Australian chicks, but if you're okay with that...”

The man actually grinned, which made him look even more beautiful but slightly less intimidating. He wasn't as tall as Remus but made up for that with long, jet black hair, a perfect complexion and flawless, aristocratic features. His cheekbones were sharp, his lips sinfully curved and Remus could see the toned muscles beneath the guys worn out shirt. Grey, piercing eyes stared back at him and suddenly Remus was aware that in fact he was the one who was staring.

He quickly averted his eyes searching for something to do with himself when his view fell on the interview timetable. It was five past eleven, that meant that the second interview was due and as if the man knew what Remus was looking at he stated:

“I'm Sirius Black. I came about the job.”

Remus nodded and kept staring at the timetable, trying to collect himself.

“Right, how about you go sit in the garden and I'll lock up and be with you in a minute?”, he finally managed to say and, without looking up, gestured towards the concrete back yard that didn't really deserve to be called a garden.

Sirius made a sound of agreement and Remus could hear him casually strolling out the reception. Remus first instinct was to just close the reception door and pretend he wasn't there but knew, of course, that that wasn't possible. There was nothing for him to do but to gather his half empty pack of cigarettes, the interview sheet and a pen and follow Sirius Black out into the garden.

Thankfully it was empty, usually the old plastic chairs were occupied by guests that didn't even try to hide their beer bottles and lit joints. Empty except for Sirius who had draped himself artfully across the only bench, smoking a cigarette, looking like a rock star.

This should have been ridicules, since Sirius was obviously not a rock star, but somehow Remus felt his hands shake. He had always had a weakness for the bad-boys, the ones that wouldn't even look at him twice, the ones that were cool to the touch, the ones that rode motorbikes, smoked rollies and made long hair look unironically sexy.

Remus couldn't help but see himself through the eyes of this man, that was so obviously out of his league. A tall, lanky, tired-looking kid, flushed in his knitted jumper. He suddenly felt ashamed of himself, a feeling that he had been successful at keeping at bay for a while now. But only for a moment, then he managed to light up a cigarette and sit down opposite Sirius.

“So, Sirius, this is a part time position. You would have to do either the morning or afternoon shift, depending on the roster. Apart from you there would be me, the main receptionist, Sybill, the manager, and Molly, who does night shifts.”

He took a drag of his cigarette and tried to decipher Sybills notes. “Do you have any experience working in hospitality?”

He looked up at Sirius, who looked distinctly bored.

“No, Remus, the main receptionist, I do not”, he said.

“Right, so what did you do before this, and how would that help you with being a receptionist?”

Remus, took another drag and so did Sirius who seemed to think the question over.

“I was at school before this,”, he gestured vaguely around the garden. “and have a lot of experience in dealing with drunk people, considering I am usually one of them.”

He smirked and Remus felt a pang of annoyance.

“Drinking on the job is not possible sorry. We don't have a bar and a strict no-alcohol policy.”, Remus said but Sirius laughed.

“Oh yeah I'm sure the girls out there were drinking apple juice.”

Remus smiled, but felt himself tense. The last thing he needed was for some spoiled rich kid to make fun of him for following a few rules.

“The guests are one thing but Sybill doesn't tolerate the staff drinking.”, he stated, even though that wasn't necessarily the truth. Sybill didn't know her right foot from her left in the best of times, she wasn't able to tell a drunk from a sober person.

Sirius shrugged but then suddenly leaned forward, closer and closer to Remus face. Before he knew what was happening, Sirius put his hand up as if to stroke Remus cheek but instead flicked his lighter. Remus cigarette had gone out without him noticing and was being re-lit. He swallowed and felt his heart race as Sirius lingered, looking straight into his eyes.

“Don't worry, I can behave myself. If I have to”, he said.

“Right.” Remus felt his own voice crack. He couldn't move back, as if Sirius eyes had trapped him right there on his uncomfortable plastic garden chair.

“So, do I have the job?”

Remus was still flushed by the time Sirius left. He couldn't deny how attracted he was to the man and was furious at himself. It had always been hard for him to calm himself down, he was too stuck in his own mind, replaying the embarrassing conversation over and over, and somehow the memory of Sirius gray eyes mocking him made it even worse.

If he could just go home and hide with a book for a few hours, surely it would be fine, but home was far away these days and two more interviewees and a dozen or so more guests were waiting for him. Being a receptionist in a busy London hostel had sounded exciting and cool when Remus took the job. It was his first in London, a city he had moved to in order to 'get out of his comfort zone', as his mother had called it, but so far he felt miserable.

He had no friends and worked too much to make any, at least that was his excuse. Living were he worked meant that he was always on call, there were no quiet nights at AllOfLondon and whilst Remus was flattered that Sybill trusted and relied so much on him he had to admit that he was in over his head. Nowadays even small inconveniences, like being awkward in front of a hot stranger, made him spiral into a dark, panicky place.

The sound of someone clearing their throat pulled Remus out of his thoughts. A rather unpleasant looking man started complaining about his room the second Remus looked up, and so the day had to go on.

The next two job applicants, a burly boy, who looked way younger than the 18 years he claimed to be, and a skinny woman in her thirties, who smelled of cat, were nice enough but somehow Remus couldn't help but compare them to Sirius.

The woman was more experienced but lacked in charisma and the boy was a lot more pleasant but would never be able to deal with the rough crowd that the hostel seemed to attract. Remus knew he should have made notes on each of them, and then phoned Sybill at her massage workshop, but who was he kidding, he knew who he wanted to get the job.

Maybe he was a masochist, he mused, willingly working together with someone that made him feel awkward and dull, or maybe he was a pervert who picked Sirius solely because of his looks. Or maybe he just wanted something to finally happen to him. Either way he had made his choice.

After Molly had taken over for the night shift Remus went outside for his last cigarette of the day and dialed Sybills number.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes bikes that are women and too much smoking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd just post another chapter right away to get into the story.  
> I am too fond of commas, just as I am too fond of Remus and Sirius.  
> (Edited)

It was ten in the morning and Remus could feel the first raindrops on his skin. The overcast sky with its dark clouds looked ready to burst and any minute now the few guests that stood huddled together would flee inside.

He usually preferred those days, even if bored, cold guests were prone to drinking in the lounge, but no weather could make him feel better today.

Remus was used to not sleeping much, last night however was filled with dreams of gray eyes and black hair that had left him sweating and panting at five in the morning. It wasn't as if he had to share his small bedroom with anyone, nobody was there to judge, but he felt guilty non the less. How was he supposed to have a normal work relationship with a guy he would fantasize about at night?

Sybill however had been delighted when Remus announced to her that he had already found the perfect candidate. She had been convinced he would find someone, she stated before going off on a tangent about a specific type of head massage.

Now all that was left to do was to call Sirius. At first Remus had wanted to get it over and done with right away, but later decided against it. Sirius didn't seem like the type to wake up at eight sharp but now, right after most people had checked out, there really wasn't any excuse not to call.

Remus pulled out his phone and stared at the cracked screen. Ten past ten. That still seemed awfully early so he stuffed the phone into his back pocket and lit another cigarette. Back home he didn't smoke, his mother wouldn't have it, but in London everyone seemed to do it. At least in this line of work.

In the beginning Remus felt unbelievably sick after every cigarette and couldn't inhale the biting smoke without grimacing, now it didn't bother him at all. How the times change, he thought not without bitterness, inhaling deeply, when his phone rang.

He picked up and was greeted by Sybill Trelawneys deep, husky voice:

“Remus, I just got back from my morning meditation, I have to tell you my chakras have never been so aligned! Mother nature truly spoke to me and I suddenly felt that I needed to call you.”, her voice trailed off and Remus barely suppressed a chuckle,

“You see, I was gazing into the stars last night and saw the dog star so prominent as I have rarely seen it! At the time I couldn't make sense of it but mother nature revealed the meaning to me, as usual.”

“Oh?”, was all Remus could reply, trying hard not to sound sarcastic.

“The dog star! Didn't you say the perfect applicants name was Sirius?”, Sybill exclaimed and Remus choked on cigarette smoke. “Sirius will change your life, Remus, I saw it in the stars. Have you called him yet?”

He was used to Sybills eccentric behavior and even if she seemed like she was half out of her mind, he found it quite entertaining if not endearing. He usually didn't think too much of it but her mentioning Sirius made his heart race.

“No, I was just about to...” was all he could say before Sybill moved on to more pressing topics, like the menstrual cycle circle she was about to attend.

Twenty minutes later Remus was back behind the reception desk, phone in hand. He really ought to call, he thought, but what would he say? Hi Sirius, my boss just told me you would change my life, so I hope you're still interested in the job?

It was twelve thirty by the time Remus finally mustered up the courage to dial Sirius number. It rang once, twice and a few seconds later Remus was about to hang up when someone picked up.

“Yes!”, the man sounded angry, as if being called at twelve thirty in the afternoon was somehow a criminal offense.

“Ehm, hi. Is this Sirius Black?”, Remus stammered.

“The one and only.”, was the response.

“Right. This is Remus...”

“My receptionist Remus?” He drew a shaky breath.

“The one and only.”

Sirius laughed at the other end of the line and Remus felt himself relax a little.

“I talked to the manager and she thinks you could be a good fit. We would need you to start as soon as possible, we are a bit understaffed. That is if you are still interested.”

He waited. For a moment he thought Sirius had hung up but then he heard him laugh again.

“Really? You actually want me to come work for you?”

“Well. Yes?” Remus wasn't sure why he was being laughed at again.

“No, it's just that I didn't expect it. Was it my charm that won you over even though the interview was crap? Or was it my face? Be honest, you wouldn't be the first to fall for those looks, Remus.”

The way Sirius pronounced his name, tasting every letter, made it somehow sound naughty. Remus was aware of the sarcasm but couldn't help but imagine how his name would sound if Sirius moaned it, how it would feel to kiss him until his name was nothing but a whisper, begging him for more.

“Remus?”

“Um, yes, right!” Remus exclaimed, turning scarlet again. “Well, to be frank, you were kind of our only option.”

“And here I thought we had a special connection!” Sirius said.

“Do you want the job or not?” Remus replied, maybe a bit too loud as he heard the other man chuckle again.

“Sure, sure. When do you want me to start?” “When are you free?”

Tomorrow. Tomorrow was too soon, Remus thought, too soon to silence his filthy, filthy mind. To soon to block out the images that kept coming, of Sirius saying his stupid name again and again. He was so frustrated with himself that for the rest of the day not even the friendliest guest could lift his mood.

When Molly finally came for her shift Remus felt as exhausted as he hadn't felt in weeks.

What was wrong with him, he thought as he frantically searched for his cigarettes. One hot guy turned up and he turned into a blushing virgin. Sure, it was hard to gain experience in all things sexual, in the small village Remus grew up in, hard but not impossible.

The light rain on the day had turned into a full on storm, and since Remus couldn't find his cigarettes anywhere he decided to take a shower and go straight to bed. He needed sleep. Uninterrupted, deep, dreamless sleep.

“Oh fuck!” was all Remus could exclaim when his alarm went off at seven thirty in the morning. He had just been about to take off Sirius shirt when the tune of 'Forest Melody 1' interrupted the dream. He felt hot and sweaty and his pajamas were uncomfortably tight between his legs.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck...” he groaned, trying to think about anything but what he was about to do to the other man. This was unacceptable, he decided, once calmed down a bit. He wasn't going to be a creep by drooling over his coworker, he would be professional and distant.

He felt slightly better once he had had a cold shower, something he would usually never resort to, as cold showers were, in his opinion, pure torture.

Sirius was due to come in after check out, which left Remus with a relatively calm morning. Today was going to be a busy day, Fridays always were. People from all over Europe came to drink the weekend away in London, a stupid decision, in his mind, as the price for a night out easily matched his weekly salary. Having to train someone else on a Friday would be tough but at least Sirius would get a good idea of how taxing hospitality work could be.

Ten thirty and Sirius wasn't there yet. Ten thirty one and Remus couldn't stop glancing at his phone every few seconds. Ten thirty three and he considered calling Sirius. Ten thirty four and Remus was convinced that Sirius had bailed on him and wouldn't show up at all.

He was about to call Sybill and explain to her that he had made a mistake when Sirius casually strolled into the reception, leather jacket over his shoulder, his hair in a loose bun and a self satisfied smile plastered on his face.

“You're late.”, Remus exclaimed, mentally scolding himself for wondering what it would feel like to take out that stupid hair tie and run his fingers through the dark locks.

“Five minutes, Remus. Traffic was a nightmare. Is there a place I can park my bike so that it doesn't get stolen or vandalized by our clientele?” Sirius jingled keys in front of Remus face.

“Sure. You could just lock it up in the garden.”, Remus said. He was quite surprised that someone as cool as Sirius would ride a bike to work but the confused look on Sirius face made him realize his mistake.

“You want me to take my motorbike through the hostel into the garden?” Sirius raised his eyebrows. Remus blushed. Of course, he thought, of course the man has a motorbike.

“Oh right sorry no. I'm afraid you'll have to take the risk. Being too posh to take the tube comes with its downsides.”

“Fair enough.” Sirius chuckled, stuffing the keys into the back pocket of his too-tight jeans. “Well, let's get started shall we?”, he said as a made his way behind the desk, right next to Remus, who barely had time to register how close they suddenly were.

He noticed that Sirius hair was slightly damp and that he smelled of smoke, conditioner and something he couldn't quite place.

“Yup.”, he nodded, scanning the messy desk for Sybills instructions.

“Is there a second chair or do you want me to sit on your lap?” Sirius asked, flashing an innocent smile at Remus.

“Oh didn't I mention that as part of the job description?”, he quipped back, before dragging up a stool that was hidden behind a scarlet red, moth-eaten curtain. Sirius grinned at him, Remus noted, not in a condescending but rather pleasantly surprised way. “Not that I would mind.”, he added, without thinking, maybe just to see how Sirius would react but the other man just raised his eyebrows.

“Uhm... right, sorry. Let's get started.” Remus suddenly felt very hot. What on earth had made him flirt with his new colleague two minutes into the first day? Was he a pervert? Praying on a man in need of a job, someone who he was supposed to train?

“No worries, mate.” Sirius said, the bored expression from the interview back on his face.

Remus managed to restrain himself from any even slightly suggestive comments for the rest of the day. Sirius made several attempts at lighthearted banter, but Remus felt too insecure to join in. He could barely concentrate on training Sirius, his own words repeating themselves in his mind over and over, Sirius reaction, his raised eyebrows, turned into an offended scowl.

Six hours later he felt drained. A number of groups had checked in, most of them already drunk. Remus barely registered how most of the women flirted with Sirius, the drunker the more obvious, and how Sirius was a natural at flirting back but still keeping his authority as a receptionist.

“Hey man, not trying to get out of my first day early, but how long do you want me to stay?” Sirius interrupted Remus self-loathing.

“Ah. Sorry. Right. I think this is enough for today. I'll call Sybill later and then we can get your contract ready tomorrow?” he said.

Sirius nodded. “Cheers! Same time tomorrow?”

“If you want to come in early so that I can show you the check out process I'd say be here by eight. But you don't have to. It's your second day after all.”

Sirius yawned and stretched, making his shirt rise up. Remus couldn't help but notice the pale strip of skin it revealed.

“Right, I guess I'll have to get used to getting up early now anyways. So might as well.” He fumbled for his keys, jingling them with a satisfied smile once he retrieved them. “Let's see if my bike's still there. You didn't let me have one smoke break to check on my girl, you know?”

Remus felt the heat rise in his cheeks. He had completely forgotten about smoke breaks, being too occupied with his own thoughts.

“Oh fuck, I'm sorry.”, he exclaimed, biting back a comment about guys who referred to their bikes as women. “Of course you can take smoke breaks.”

“No worries mate. And stop being so flustered. I wouldn't mind sitting on your lap either.” Sirius grinned, as he walked out, leaving Remus speechless.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes nightmares and yellow trunks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy reading about Remus' feeeelings.  
> (Edited)

It was six in the morning and Remus woke with a cry. The darkness was all around him, the stale air tasting of dust and sweat. His breath was ragged and too fast, it took him a while to realize were he was.

He tried to close his eyes and fall back asleep but the image of Fenrir was too sharp and vivid, the attractive, dangerous face too realistic. Remus first instinct was to call his mother just to hear her voice, but months ago he had made a promise to himself to never tell her about the nightmares, so what good would it do? She would only worry and Remus needed her to trust him after all that had happened.

He ran his fingers over his own arms, slowly feeling the bumpy scars that just wouldn't faint. He was embarrassed of how much the nightmare affected him, embarrassed that he was crying even now.

He rubbed his face to wipe away the tears, got up and switched on the light. He wouldn't be able to fall asleep anyways, not with Fenrir on his mind, so he decided to just get up and treat himself to a proper breakfast instead.

He didn't usually like spending money on himself. It somehow felt wrong but his therapist had talked a lot about self care and how he needed to treat himself better. In his opinion buying a hot chocolate and a croissant fell under the category self care and after a quick shower he shrugged on his jacket and went out into the dark morning.

It was eight in the morning and rain was pouring down so heavily that Remus didn't bother standing outside to enjoy a cigarette. It had started to rain the second he arrived back at the hostel with his breakfast.

No guest had showed their face so far and a rainy Saturday morning would certainly not compel them to get out of bed any time soon. He made himself a cup of tea and planned to skim through a book to pass the time when a miserably wet Sirius stumbled into the reception, dripping rainwater on the dusty floor.

It took Remus a moment to remember why exactly Sirius was here that early but then managed a smile.

“Bad weather?”

Sirius looked up at him, a deeply sarcastic scowl on his face. His hair was clinging to his face and his clothes were soaked. The leather jacked that Sirius apparently hadn't bother to zip up had not prevented his white shirt to go almost completely see-through, so Remus caught an eye full of Sirius toned chest and the tattoos he hadn't noticed earlier.

“No shit.” the man grumbled “Got a towel maybe?”

Remus grinned but gestured towards the hamper in the corner.

“Usually we charge a pound per towel up front, but I guess I will just deduct that from your first pay.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed a towel. “Do I at least get a discount?” he asked, whilst shrugging off his jacked.

“You haven't signed the contract yet, so I'm sorry I just can't do that.” Remus said, faking genuine concern.

“Oh? Is there no way I can convince you to let it slide?” Sirius winked and slowly started to take off his shirt. Remus hesitated before looking away, anywhere but at the shirtless Sirius standing in the middle of the reception.

“Fine! It's on the house!” he finally said, his voice a bit higher than usual. Staring at his hands he heard Sirius chuckle.

“So, Remus, my favorite receptionist, you don't happen to have some spare clothing do you?” Remus looked up and had to admit that Sirius couldn't possibly stay in his current get up. Not only was it distracting, but probably quite cold and uncomfortable.

“Sure. But only because Sybill would kill me if I let you die of pneumonia on your first day.” he said and got up. “Follow me, you can change in my room if you want.” He walked past Sirius who smelled distinctly of wet dog, which to Remus surprise didn't bother him at all.

The moment he opened the door to his room he regretted his hospitality. He hadn't bothered opening the windows or clearing up the laundry and his bed wasn't made. Remus never had visitors and didn't spend much time in his room, apart from when he had to sleep, so it never occurred to him to make it a bit more welcoming.

“Ehm, sorry. It's messy.” was all he could say. Sirius chuckled.

“I've seen worse. This one guy I went home with had an aquarium full of dead fish in his room, so unless there is a deceased cat under your bed I don't mind.”

Remus nodded and went to his closet to find a shirt and some clean sweat pants when he stopped dead in his tracks. A guy he went home with? He tried not to make it too obvious that the statement had surprised him.

“That's pretty grim. An ex boyfriend of mine was one of those people who collect butterflies. Try getting with someone who won't shut up about dead insects.” he said casually. He didn't know why but wanted to make it clear to Sirius that he didn't have a problem with him going home with guys. Maybe it was the slight change in tone when Sirius had said it, the hint of uncertainty but it reminded him of how uncomfortable it could be to drop something like that in conversation with the wrong people.

“Gross.” Sirius did indeed sound relieved.

Remus retrieved a gray shirt and dark blue sweatpants from the back of his closet, praying that they didn't smell bad and was about to chuck them at Sirius, but when he turned around he once again froze.

Sirius had taken off his jeans and stood there, naked apart from bright yellow trunks. Remus swallowed. The tattoos on Sirius chest and arms were beautiful, a black dog surrounded by vines and flowers and as Remus almost involuntarily lowered his gaze he saw that the other man was covered in tattoos. Not only his torso but his thigh and calves were heavily inked.

“Like what you see?” Sirius chuckled.

“Uhm...” he wanted to say _Yes, Fuck, Yes_ , when he heard someone banging on a door down the hallway:

“Hey! I want to check out you lazy arse!” Remus gathered himself, chucked the clothes at Sirius and hurried past him without looking back.

Training Sirius in check outs whilst simultaneously trying to forget his almost nude body was a challenge for Remus, especially since Sirius seemed to thoroughly enjoy seeing him so obviously flustered.

Every time Remus had to clear his throat after losing himself in thought Sirius would raise an eyebrow, even going so far as to wink at him. Somehow the man managed to look undeniably attractive wearing faded, old clothing that was too big for him. The pants hung low on his hips and the shirt sleeves almost went down to his elbows but Remus could get used to seeing Sirius like that, he thought.

Luckily it was a busy Saturday and Remus couldn't dwell too long on the image of Sirius with tousled hair, wearing his shirt. Unfortunately it was only early afternoon when Remus had to clean up vomit for the first time, surely a new record. Despite the no alcohol rule most guests managed to get blind drunk by midday and made the hostel staff suffer for it.

Remus didn't bother making Sirius do the disgusting task but instead left the reception and the check ins to him. Sirius was surprisingly good at the job, Sybill would be pleased. Maybe hiring him despite his lack of experience had been a good decision after all, Remus mused.

It was already six thirty when he received an email from Sybill, contract attached. He quickly printed it out and went over the formalities with Sirius; Minimum wage, thirty hours a week and half an hour for lunch was the standard and Sirius signed without further comment.

But despite the day going relatively smoothly, compared to the Saturday two weeks ago when a Australian guest had accidentally set fire to the bin, all the double shifts and lousy nights seemed to finally catch up on Remus. He could barely concentrate on explaining the shift plan and swap over with Molly to Sirius. Sirius seemed to notice and didn't ask many questions.

“Right.” he said, at eight a clock later that evening. “I take that you'll have to stay until eleven thirty to cover both shifts?”

Remus nodded and couldn't quite mask the miserable look on his face.

“For how long have you been doing double shifts?” Sirius asked.

“About a week I think? Ever since Alice quit. Honestly can't wait for you to start.” Remus smiled slightly.

“Well, I'm a natural at being a receptionist! And even though I still have much to learn from you, master, I could do the morning shift tomorrow. Won't start a fire, promise.”

The offer was almost too good to be true and he probably shouldn't take Sirius up on it, but the thought of spending the whole Sunday behind the desk made him physically sick.

“Seriously?” he said instead, but regretted it instantly seeing the other mans wide grin. “Sirius-ly!”

Remus jerked awake when someone was knocking at his door. He glanced at his phone. Eight thirty. He groaned and decided to just ignore the noise. Sirius would have to deal with that, he thought sleepily.

A moment or two passed before the knocking continued, louder and accompanied by a voice:

“Remus! Oi! Are you up?”

He was about to shout at the voice just what exactly he was going to do if the person didn't fuck off right now, when he recognized who was disturbing his Sunday morning.

“All right. Give me a second!” he shouted back.

So much for letting him sleep. Remus grumpily pulled on a pair of pants and yesterdays shirt, he usually slept in his underwear and didn't fancy Sirius seeing him like that, and opened the door.

Sirius had an apologetic grin on his face and Remus noticed five annoyed looking guests in the hallways behind him.

“Yeah, sorry, I locked myself out and even though I have many talents lock picking isn't one of them. You don't suppose you could help me out?”

Remus nodded and without saying a word retrieved the spare key from his nightstand. Sirius apologized again as Remus shoved the key into his hand.

“No worries.” Remus finally mumbled. “Anything else?”

Sirius smiled and shook his head but before he turned around to unlock the reception he quickly glanced at Remus bare arms.

Sirius didn't say a word or react in any way but Remus knew that he had seen the scars. He closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed. It was bound to happen sooner or later, he calmed himself, Sirius wouldn't go round telling everybody. It was fine. He was fine. He didn't care what others thought of him anyways. He was fine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes Lily and auras.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Panic attacks.
> 
> Thank you guys for the support! I love reading comments even if I don't always know how to reply. Just imagine me grinning at a screen.
> 
> (Edited)

Sybill stormed into the reception, her brightly colored tunic sweeping the floor as she breathlessly hoisted her backpack onto the desk.

“Remus I can't begin to tell you how much I have deepened my connection with the universe this past week. My senses were tingling, I could taste auras and feel the gusts of wind made by a butterflies wings. But now... oh Remus!” she took a deep and dramatic breath.

“London has dulled my senses. How can I be free and one with my surroundings with smog in my lungs and traffic noises penetrating my brain.” her huge eyes behind the over sized glasses stared accusingly at Remus, as if he was the reason she had to come back to the city, not the hostel she chose to operate.

“But mundane work calls. Lost souls yearn to be welcomed to this beast of a city. That is my duty, it may not be my calling but a noble cause it is.”

Remus doubted heavily that Sybill would talk like that if she had had to chase a naked Scotsman out of a women's dorm this morning, a lost soul indeed.

“Good to have you back.” he smiled instead and helped Sybill store the backpack behind the reception desk.

“Good, you say? But yes! I am the bringer of good news Remus!” she suddenly exclaimed and Remus braised himself for what was to come.

He had witnessed Sybill being 'the bringer of good news' before. A few weeks ago she had proclaimed that she had met a carpenter at a tantra workshop who was going to remodel the entire hostel for free, despite the building being a rental property made of brick. Sure enough nothing had come of it and Sybill had forgotten about the tantra carpenter almost as soon as the news had left her mouth.

“Remember my dear friend Waldruna Pettigrew?”

Remus nodded even though he was sure that he had never heard that name in his life.

“Waldruna has a nephew. Peter. Charming little boy, must be your age. An unfortunate aura. So insecure. Nothing like Waldruna, her aura is simply magnificent...” she trailed off.

“So what about Peter?” Remus interrupted. His morning shift was almost over and soon Sirius would come in. He didn't want to be caught discussing auras.

“Peter! Yes, dear Peter just moved to London and is in desperate need for a job. Your aura, Remus, your aura is all shriveled up. Flaccid...”

Remus choked.

“I can't have you exude weariness in my hostel. Which is why I have decided to hire him, as well as the dog star boy! Three is my lucky number this year, good things will come of it!”

She let out a sigh, exhausted it seemed, and Remus had to admit that the idea was indeed not that bad. He would even get some time off for once.

“Ah! You must be Sirius!” Sybill bellowed and pulled Remus out of his thoughts. Sirius was standing in the doorway, looking mildly concerned at the sight of Sybill Trelawney.

“And you must be Sybill. Heard so much about you.” He finally said, shooting an amused look to Remus.

“I was just telling Remus about my inspiration. But first let me look at you.” She took Sirius hand between her bejeweled fingers.

“Oh yes! Strong and reckless but with a dark secret.” She closed her eyes dramatically and Remus barely suppressed his grin at the sight of Sirius confused face.

“You are the bringer of change. I can feel it as clearly as I can feel the coming of winter. You will seduce the wild spirit and make her your wife!”

Remus tried desperately to keep a grave expression but Sirius was less successful. He was visibly shaking with withheld laughter and was barely able to regain composure when Sybill moved on to talk to Remus about the changes that had to be made with Peter joining the team.

The second she had left for her small apartment over the hostel Sirius exploded with laughter, holding onto Remus for support.

“My wife!” He kept repeating between howls of laughter. “My wife! Oh fucking hell how am I going to tell her that I haven't seen a vagina since I crawled out of one...”

Remus grinned. “She can be a bit much, I know. But she's a good one really.”

Sirius nodded and then, with a solemn expression, folded his hands over his heart. “Remus, I hope you can still work alongside me, now that you know about my dark secrets.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I think I can manage. What would those be anyway? Nicked something from a dairy when you were a teenager?”

Sirius smirked and leaned closer to Remus. “Want to find out?”

“Wouldn't want to spoil your strong and reckless aura. You future wife might prefer you all mysterious.” Remus replied, aware of how close they were.

Sirius smiled, his cheeks slightly pink and leaned away. “I was wondering if you'd care to come out for a drink.” He then said. “With me. And some mates!” He quickly added.

“Uhm... Yes. Sure. I'd... ehm... care for that.” Surprised as he was, Remus couldn't think of a better answer. It was a perfectly natural thing for colleagues to go out for a drink and surely had nothing to do with all the borderline flirting they were involved in.

“Sweet, that's settled then. Want to swap over shifts or loving it here too much?” Sirius fell down heavily on the office chair and began counting the till with today's turnover.

The next couple of days passed in a blur. Sybill stormed in and out of the reception like a whirlwind every couple of hours, leaving guests as well as Remus and Sirius confused and chuckling.

On Wednesday she made an dramatic entrance with a blond, stumpy young man at her side. Peter was in his early twenties and while clumsy, eager to learn. Remus liked him immediately even if he seemed like a bit of a pushover who could barely contain his admiration for Sirius.

The three of them made quite a good team, Remus thought and even with having to train two people he felt that he had more free time than ever before. He was able to read books cover to cover, stroll through the streets and when he called his mother for the first time since he moved she didn't sound concerned about him. He had also cut down on cigarettes, as he didn't feel like he had to flee his job every couple of minutes and got enough sleep.

Sirius had invited Peter to join their night out this Friday and Remus felt giddy and excited. This was what he had expected his new life in London to be like, not him sitting alone in his room or working seventeen hours a day.

He spent Friday before his shift in a cafe, drinking overpriced tea and reading another forgotten book. It wasn't particularly interesting but maybe he just couldn't concentrate enough to understand the plot.

Thoughts previously unknown to Remus crossed his mind; What would he wear? Should he shave? Get a hair cut?

He usually didn't think twice about his appearance, just putting on the first non-smelly shirt he could find. The last time he went shopping his mum had forced him to go and had picked things out for him, now that seemed slightly embarrassing.

Sirius had a sense of style, a good one at that, and even Peter obviously tried. What if Sirius stylish friends would look down on him for only wearing five pound t-shirts and his grandmothers self-knitted jumpers? What if Sirius regretted inviting him at all? He wasn't even from London and couldn't join small talk about the best bars or clubs, he hadn't been to a party in a long time. For good reason.

Remus swallowed. The memory of that last party made his throat feel tight, the cafe suddenly felt too crowded, people were looking at him, his tea was cold and his skin too hot.

If he got up now he would draw attention to himself but he couldn't possible stay here, not with the image of angry, disappointed faces etched into his brain, the pain and embarrassment that all of the sudden felt fresh. What if he got too drunk and told people, spilled his secrets? He couldn't take any more rejection, not from Sirius and his friends. And they would reject him because how could they ever understand?

“Hey, are you okay?”

The soft voice made Remus jump. A young woman with fiery red hair had come up to his table. Her artfully embroidered apron told him that she worked at the cafe, but didn't look like she was about to ask Remus to leave, instead she sat down next to him and placed a glass of water on the table.

“I hope I don't make you feel worse by coming here but you look like you could need some water.”

Remus nodded but didn't trust his shaking hands to pick up the glass.

“Concentrate on my voice, okay?”, the woman continued. “You are at Rosie's. It's Friday afternoon and it's not very busy. Nobody is looking at us, they are all too occupied with their lattes, don't worry.” She paused. “There is a staff room that is usually empty. If you want we can go there.”

Remus didn't want to make a fuss but he felt helpless. Helpless and overwhelmed and stupid and...

“Okay, take my hand.”

She helped him up and led him through a door. Remus wasn't looking where they were going. After she had sat him down she left to get the bag and jacket he had left in the cafe. The staff room was quiet and Remus heard his own fast breaths. After a while he remembered what he was supposed to do in these situations and started to concentrate on his breathing.

“Slow it down.”, he mumbled to himself. “Slow it down.”

It was over as quickly as it had begun, before the woman returned Remus head had stopped spinning and he managed to gulp down some water from the tab in the small staff kitchen.

“Sorry I took so long but there was a line and Marlene needed me at the bar.” the woman said when she came back, Remus things in her arms.

“Oh no worries. Thank you.” It seemed silly that she felt the need to apologize after what she had done for him. “Really, thank you.”

“No problem! I used to get panic attacks all the time.” She smiled. “I'm Lily.”

Remus smiled back. “Remus.”, he said. “I can usually help myself, I just...” He couldn't find the right words, but Lily didn't seem to mind.

“Hey, you don't have to explain anything to me. Sometimes it just knocks the wind out of you and there is nothing you can do. I had a really bad one a while ago and my boyfriend had to practically carry me out of a concert hall. Nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Remus had never met anyone with the same problem as him before, nobody who would admit to it anyways, and having Lily talk about panic attacks so casually was a relieve.

“Well, I'm glad you're better! I'm afraid I have to get back to work now, sorry. You can stay here for a bit if you want” She smiled again, Lily seemed to be all smiles.

“I think I'm fine but thanks. Thank you again!”

He got up and together they walked back into the cafe. She was about to get back to the bar when she turned back around and said:

“Hey, Remus, if you want to thank me just come over for a tea! I usually have my lunch break around one and we could chat?”

Remus grinned and nodded. “I will!”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes dancing and bobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First the obvious: I've been gone for a while and didn't really have the time and energy to update.  
> But I hope you enjoy this chapter regardless. Finally we get some action - or do we?  
> (Edited)

The music was pounding and Remus was clinging onto Lily who effortlessly maneuvered them through the crowd. His head was swimming but he was enjoying himself too much to care. Drunk Remus wasn't going to let sober Remus take over and worry, no he was going to have the time of his life.

“I know, you told me!” Lily laughed back over the noise and he realized that he had said his thoughts aloud. “The guys are over there, you okay for a while? I'm going to get some water.”

She pointed at a corner where Peter, James and Sirius were dancing, or bobbing along vaguely to the music in Peters case, patted Remus on the back and made her way towards the bar.

Remus couldn't be sure that the others had seen him but now he was in the middle of a mass of energetic people and he felt himself starting to move. Someone was touching his butt, by accident or not didn't matter, bodies were rubbing together and a stranger handed him a cigarette. Remus felt light and heavy and warm, in fact too warm!

He took off the jumper that he had been wearing all night, at work, at Sirius' and James' place and at the first two bars. He didn't need it in here, nobody knew him and nobody cared, he could scream and no one would even turn their head, nobody would hear him.

“Hey Remus, you good mate?” Sirius was next to him, looking stunning in the flashing lights.

Remus nodded and took a swig of beer, where had that come from? He grinned and offered it to Sirius who shook his head but smiled back.

“Didn't take you for a dancer.”, he said, close enough to Remus so that he could hear him.

“I'm not!”, Remus yelled back and took Sirius' hands. A small part in his mind flinched but Remus was too drunk to care. Sirius raised his eyebrows but didn't let go.

He didn't move either so they were left standing on the dance floor, staring at each other. The small part in Remus brain that still seemed to function normally wondered why Sirius looked at him like that but the overwhelming thought in his mind was how beautiful he was.

So beautiful and so close and his hands were warm and strong and Remus leaned in and kissed him. At first he wasn't sure if they were actually kissing or if he was just imagining it but then he felt the other man kiss back, biting his lower lip, licking in his mouth.

He let out a small moan and wanted to get closer when someone stumbled into him and he had to break the kiss to steady himself. Sirius grabbed hold of him and looked up, eyes huge, and speechless for once.

The sun woke Remus up, the light feeling warm on his face. It was a gentle way to wake up, at least until a piercing headache burrowed its way through his temples deep into his skull.

His mouth tasted stale and weirdly of ash and upon moving Remus noticed that while he was still wearing his jeans, he was shirtless.

He grumbled a few obscenities before slowly opening his eyes. The bright sunlight obscured his vision and it took Remus a few moments to orientate himself.

This wasn't his room. Sure, it was messy but it was also huge and this wasn't Remus' bed either. His heart started pounding fast, so fast he could hear it and he tried to sit up as quickly as possible with that massive hangover of his.

Someone was whistling outside the door and he could smell coffee but that still didn't answer the question where he was and why he was here. Searching for his shirt he tried to collect himself. He had gone out with Sirius and his friends and the woman from the cafe had been there, or had he imagined her?

And he had kissed Sirius. Remus heart pounded even harder and he rubbed his eyes furiously. It had to have been a dream, he told himself, he would never just kiss Sirius.

Standing up was a struggle and he seemed not to be able to stand up straight, his head furiously screaming every time he tried to level it, so he walked to the door slightly hunched.

Before opening the door and facing whoever it was that usually slept in the queen size bed he had woken up in, Remus tried to remember something, anything, from last night. What if he had gone home with a stranger? What had happened? He was wearing his jeans but no shirt and there were too many things he could have done even with his pants on.

The whistling on the other side of the door had stopped and Remus could hear water and the sound of dishes being chugged into a sink. Taking one big breath Remus opened the door to what was probably the living room.

An old couch was placed somewhere in the middle of the sizable room while the kitchen occupied the far left corner. It looked expensive but not too well taken care off. The whistler was standing with his back to Remus but he recognized the black hair immediately, making his heart miss a beat.

“Oh, hi.” he mumbled. Sirius turned around and smiled slightly.

“Hey. Coffee?” He gestured towards a pot on the dusty kitchen table.

Remus nodded, even if he didn't really like coffee and would have preferred about three liters of water at the moment but something in the guarded look Sirius gave him made him think that something bad had happened.

There was only one chair next to the table and Remus wasn't sure if he was supposed to stay for long, so he stood awkwardly next to it after filling a chipped mug with strong coffee.

There was silence while Sirius did the washing up and Remus sipped his coffee, until he couldn't take the uncertainty any longer.

“So. This is awkward. I honestly don't remember what happened last night and I don't know where my shirt is and I don't usually drink. I don't ever drink. That much that is. I am sorry for whatever I have done or whatever I have said. I promise you I didn't mean it. Probably. I'm sorry.”

His voice was hoarse and he cursed himself for being such a rambling idiot who could never, just once, have a normal night out with friends without screwing things up. Tears shot into his eyes and he quickly stared into the coffee mug.

“You don't remember anything?”, Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head and prayed for a meteor to crash into London right this moment or a war to break out or for himself to just fall over dead, anything to get himself out of this situation, out of Sirius' kitchen.

“Hey, don't worry man, it's all good.” Sirius was standing next to him now and placed a wet, soapy hand on his bare shoulder. “I was just a bit worried that's all. We'll find your shirt!”

Remus chuckled at that and looked up to see Sirius smiling, a real, genuine smile this time.

“You didn't do anything bad. You just got as drunk as everyone else and kept telling Lily that her hair looked amazing, which let's be honest you should have told me, and tried to put on James' glasses.” Sirius grin widened. “James might still be a bit pissed about that, he hates it when people do that, but he'll come around.”

Remus nodded and tried to remember who James was. “Lily's boyfriend?”, he asked and Sirius started laughing.

“The tosser with the appalling dance moves you mean! But seriously Remus,” He winked at that and Remus rolled his eyes. “you didn't do anything wrong even if it was a bit surprising that you...” Sirius stopped mid sentence.

“You don't remember anything, right?”, he asked, suddenly seemingly very interested in the frayed hem of his t-shirt.

Remus shrugged. He did remember Sirius lips on his, his hand on the small of his back, but did he really? Or was that just part of an alcohol fueled wet dream?

“Why am I at your place?”, he asked instead.

“Oh, we all went here after the club. Peter slept on the couch but had to get up early to start the morning shift, the poor bugger. James and Lily are still asleep”, he pointed at a door to the right. “and we only have one couch so you slept in my bed.”

“Where did you sleep?” Remus said slowly and Sirius cheeks turned a light shade of pink, but maybe Remus was just imagining it.

“I told you. Only one couch. I was very well behaved though and let you have my favorite side of the bed. Even offered you pajama pants but you were already fast asleep by that point.”

Remus nodded and tried his hardest not to think about having shared a bed with the other man. “Didn't take you for a bloke who owns pajamas.”, he said quietly, staring at his hands.

“Didn't take you for a bloke who snores.” Sirius deadpanned, making Remus exclaim that he definitely didn't to which Sirius flicked soapy water at him.

“Its not that bad. I could probably get used to it if I had to.” Remus flushed deep scarlet but the other man had thankfully returned to the sink.

After draining his, now cold coffee Remus went back into Sirius' room to search for his belongings. The room really was messy, clothes were flung everywhere, no closet in sight. Empty bottles were piled up next to the door as in some strange art installation and a mountain of paperwork that looked awfully important filled up the entire desk that stood under the window.

After searching for what felt to Remus like twenty minutes he finally located his jumper that smelled terribly of sweat and smoke, but his shirt was no where to be found. Not being particularly fond of the idea of wearing the scratchy, smelly jumper on his bare skin Remus returned to the kitchen, smiling apologetically.

“Was I by any chance already shirtless when we got here?” Sirius looked up from scrubbing at a non stick pan, with a knife to Remus' horror, and shrugged.

“Don't think so, no. But then again, I wasn't sober either. Just take one of mine and if I find yours I'll just give it back to you at work. I might even wash it. That's how good a person I am.”

He grinned from ear to ear and winked, looking a bit like a friendly dog. He generally seemed so at ease this morning, so unconcerned with being his sarcastic, cool self that Remus could imagine himself really falling for him.

Just for a moment he let himself imagine what it would be like to be Sirius Blacks boyfriend, to wake up next to him and drink his revolting coffee and see him grin like that. But only for a moment.

“You are too kind.” he replied, chasing his daydreams from his mind and returned, again, to Sirius' room. After choosing a gray t-shirt from a corner of the room that seemed to contain fresh, unfolded laundry, Remus got ready to leave, but not before he went to the bathroom and drink as much water from the tap as he could manage.

The bathroom was just as untidy as the rest of the flat and unusually large for a London flat. There was a bathtub and a shower, an extraordinary luxury in Remus' eyes, and two sinks. Either James or Sirius had to be loaded, Remus thought, not without feeling a bit envious, just a bit.

His mum didn't have a bathtub and he couldn't remember the last time he had used one. He must have been a child and for a moment he wondered if the bathtub was big enough for two people, before shaking his aching head and splashing more water into his face.

It was pointless to indulge in these fantasies, he scolded himself. Even if, for some miracle, Sirius was actually interested in him, Remus was not ready to be in a relationship. Sure, it would be fun in the beginning and he would probably have heaps of mind-blowing sex, but after a while the panic and fear would creep in and not even Sirius' smile would keep them at bay.

He would have to tell him about the nightmares and scars and about that time last summer. Sirius wouldn't stay with him then. Remus shook his head again, more violently, welcoming the pain. It was pointless to even try.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes Remus being an awkward dork and Sirius being infuriatingly perfect as always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. But here we go.  
> What is Sirius' hangover secrect? (I wish I knew)

When Remus left the bathroom he saw Sirius lean at the kitchen sink, hands in his pockets staring into space. He looked over at Remus and smiled a strange kind of smile and Remus thought he could detect something like nervousness in the other mans face.

“All good?” Sirius asked.

Remus nodded slowly. “Well, I should be off then.”

He took a few tentative steps towards Sirius, unsure if he was supposed to hug him or shake his hand. He stopped before reaching Sirius and opted to awkwardly lift his hand in a half wave, half salute.

Sirius smiled his strange smile again and this time Remus was sure he could see him clench his fists in his too-tight jeans. Remus nodded again, ignoring his persistent headache. He should turn around and leave but then his eyes caught Sirius' and he felt his breath hitch a bit. All his good, noble intentions seemed to leave him and all of the sudden he couldn't quite remember why he shouldn't just close that gap between them and grab hold of Sirius, like a drowning man.

Sirius held his gaze. A lock of ink black hair fell into his face.

_Oh shit_ , was all Remus' foggy mind contributed. He took a step closer and Sirius still didn't look away. If he wanted to do this he should do it now and not just stand there, he thought, but that last step seemed impossibly big and Sirius looked impossibly beautiful.

“Oh, for fuck's sake.” Sirius exclaimed as he shifted his weight forward and closed the distance between them in one swift motion. A small part of Remus' brain was marveling at the elegance that seemed to come so natural to Sirius Black but the far greater part focused on the face close to him, the stormy eyes, the lips.

And then Sirius kissed him. One hand came to rest on his shoulder, the other on the side of his jaw. Remus could feel the surprisingly rough fingers before he registered the surprisingly gentle kiss. It had been so easy last night, so natural, but now Remus wasn't sure how to kiss back.

He was certain he smelled bad, his lips were dry and chipped and he could taste coffee on his tongue. Suddenly he was painfully aware that he didn't even close his eyes but kept staring straight ahead and that he was holding his breath.

The kiss lasted only a moment, then Sirius pulled back. He looked up at Remus without moving his hands.

“No?”, was all the said, his voice soft.

Remus wasn't sure how to reply so he shrugged his shoulders apologetically.

“Right. I'm sorry. I just thought...” Sirius abruptly pulled back his hands.

“No, I'm sorry. You were right. To think.”, Remus blurted out. Sirius looked at him quizzically, smiled and took at step back.

“I like the earring.”, he said after a pause and nodded towards Remus' right. “Didn't notice it earlier.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Remus touched the little gold ring self consciously. He had pierced his ear himself when he was fifteen in an attempt to rebel against his loving mother. His teenage pride had been terribly hurt when his mother had congratulated him on his steady hand and bought him the little ring for his next birthday instead of grounding him.

“I should really get going, though. Need a shower. And have my shift.” Remus mumbled. Before he could change his mind he nodded at Sirius and fled out the front door.

It took Remus a good three hours to find his way back to the hostel. Sirius lived in a very posh part of London that Remus had never been to before and non of the tube stations sounded familiar to him. He blamed his inability to navigate the London public transport mostly on his hangover but Remus had to admit it would have been easy enough to simply ask someone. Or use his phone to look up Google maps.

By the time he stumbled into the hostel he was hot and sweaty and only had about twenty minutes before the start of his shift. A quick glance into the reception told Remus all he needed to know about the day ahead; A red-faced Peter was arguing with a couple over who knows what. Peter spotted Remus and gave him a tired smile before turning his attention back to the couple.

The shower revived Remus' senses a bit but a look in the steamy bathroom mirror betrayed the long night and heavy drinking. He dressed quickly, trying not to feel guilty about putting Sirius' shirt back on. It saved laundry, he told himself and scowled at his reflection.

It was just after midnight when Remus finally fell into bed, thanking the gods and Sybill Trelawney for finally having colleagues who did morning shifts. And maybe for finally making his life just a bit more bearable.

Sunday morning came with after-hangover-bliss. Remus treated himself to a sleep in and a long shower before he made his way to Rosie's. He had packed a new book to keep him company in case Lily had the day off but the moment he entered the small café he spotted Lily's red hair. She flashed him a wide smile, mouthed “Tea” and pointed at a small table next to a window. A moment later she appeared with two mugs and fell down heavily on the squishy armchair opposite Remus.

“You are a lifesaver, Remus!”, she exclaimed before taking off her embroidered apron. “Marlene was just about to ask me if I could take my break in two hours instead but you are the perfect excuse. How are you?”

Remus grinned. “Great, now that I've slept off all he residual alcohol.” He took a sip of the scalding hot tea, instantly burning his tongue.

“Tell me about it. I had a terrible hangover. Didn't get out of bed all Saturday. You were gone by then, I guess.” Lily shot him a inquisitive glance over the rim of her mug. “So, how did you sleep next to our princess on the pea?”

Remus felt the heat rise in his cheeks. Did Lily know? Did she see them kiss? Did she mind?

“Ehm. Good. I think. Apparently I snore.” He couldn't think of anything else to say so he busied himself blowing into his hot English Breakfast tea.

“Well Sirius kicks, according to James. So...”, she looked up at Remus and smiled encouragingly, “what's going on between the two of you?”

Remus felt himself blush harder. This wasn't fair. He could have lied to Peter or Sybill or even his mum, but Lily's open and honest face made him want to tell her just how fast his heart started to pound every time he looked at Sirius and just how conflicted it made him feel.

“I don't know.”, he said truthfully. “I mean, we don't really know each other that well. But we...”, he trailed off.

Lily kept smiling but didn't take his eyes off him. Remus shook his head slightly before continuing.

“We kissed. On the dance floor. I don't know if you saw that?”

Lily nodded and sipped her tea. She didn't look annoyed or disappointed, just attentive. God, where had she been all his life, Remus thought and a rush of affection for the small redhead overcame him.

“Well, we kissed again. Yesterday morning. He kissed me, that is. I didn't really know what to do. It's not that I didn't want him to kiss me. But I was so hungover and probably smelled like an ashtray and you know Sirius, he's so perfect...”

“So you got a bit overwhelmed?” Lily asked.

“I guess so. And then I just left.”, Remus admitted.

He hadn't permitted himself to think about what would happen next or what impression his running away might have made on Sirius. If he did that there would be no way to stop himself from panicking. He would have to stay calm and focused and under no circumstances imagine Sirius' hurt face. If he had hurt him. That was the last thing he wanted to do but he couldn't just throw himself at Sirius in reckless abandon.

When he had come to London he hadn't thought about falling for someone again. He had wanted to escape a place that was maybe forever tainted with memories of a dangerous smile, humiliation and gut wrenching heartbreak and sure, maybe he had left to find happiness. To find new friends, who didn't know him and who hadn't seen him at his worst, people who wouldn't shoot him worried glances all the time. But not someone like Sirius.

“Yes, he mentioned that.” Lily said, pulling Remus out of his dark thoughts and back to reality.

“He told you about the kiss?” He felt slightly uneasy at the thought of Sirius talking about him to his friends.

“Not exactly. He just said that he came on a bit too strong and that you left. He seemed a bit moody but that's just Sirius. He doesn't get hangovers, ever, so he compensates by putting himself in a bad mood.”, Lily said lightly.

“He doesn't get hangovers? Ever?” Remus asked in mock horror.

“Ever! You'd think being rich and looking like he does would have some drawbacks somewhere, but no. The universe is intrinsically unfair.” Lily chuckled, before wrinkling her nose and looking at Remus with her deep, green eyes. “Sirius is a bit difficult at times. But he is actually a good sort. I can tell that he actually cares about you.”

Remus hadn't expected that and he didn't expect his throat to tighten and tears to shoot into his eyes either. Thankfully Lily didn't notice or was tactful enough to change the subject. It was easy to talk to her and Remus found himself relax into the pillows.

Lily's half hour lunch break was over far too soon, in his opinion, but he had to go back to the hostel at some point. And face Sirius. Remus downed the rest of his now cold tea and took the long way back to AllOfLondon. It was a beautiful day, if one liked sunshine and a light breeze, but a bit hot and stuffy if one liked to wear knitted jumpers and boots.

He was early for his shift but maybe releasing Sirius from his questionable duties early would tempt him into forgiving Remus. If there was anything to forgive. Remus was about to enter the reception when he hear loud, tense voices from within. He couldn't quite make out what was being said, at first, but he was sure he had never hear Sirius' voice like that. It sounded harsh and cold, devoid of any of his usual flirtatious banter.

“...don't know how you found me but let me assure you that a restraining order covers hostel receptions.” Even Sirius accent had changed. He enunciated every word carefully and practically spat them at whoever it was he was talking to.

“Oh itty bitty baby Sirius has a restraining order now? How charming. But let _me_ assure _you_ that I am here purely by coincidence. I was simply looking for a place to stay the night and your quaint, little _hostel_ seemed like an option. Although you have to admit that this is low, even for you.” The high, mocking voice belonged to a woman, undoubtedly, and it sent shivers down Remus' spine. She sounded insane. Remus had never been one to judge people easily but this woman sounded as if she was about to murder someone, possibly Sirius.

“Oh please, Bella, we have rather different standards on what low means.” Remus was impressed by how steady Sirius' voice sounded.

“Ha! The blood traitor has spoken!”, Bella screeched and Remus held his breath involuntarily. “Betraying your own family, you dirty little poof, humiliating your father, abandoning your brother! You think you can just run away and hide after what you did? We will always find you Siri, always! You selfish, _noble_ , little whore!”

It was quiet for a moment after Bella's wild outburst. Remus was still standing next to the reception door and noticed that he was pressing himself against the wall, holding his breath. He was certain that he should do something, call the police maybe, but his feet were frozen to the sticky linoleum floor.

“What do you want from me Bella?” Sirius asked. He suddenly sounded tired, so tired it made Remus' heart ache.

“Read this.” Bella commanded over the rustle of papers being shuffled over the reception desk. “Come to the next board meeting. And dress like an adult, for once in you life.” Remus heard the clacking of heels seconds before a tall figure with a mane of black hair rushed past him, without looking back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a hug and a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to flesh out Sirius as a character a bit more so that he's not just some eye-candy to Remus. Hope it worked.

Sirius was still standing when Remus entered the reception. His jaw was clenched, his eyes narrowed and his face looked so pale it was almost gray. He didn't seem to notice Remus but looked right through him.

“Sirius?” Remus took a step closer to the other man. “Are you okay?”

Sirius closed his eyes and took an audible breath before nodding slowly.

“Should I call someone? James or the police?” Remus mentally scolded himself for sounding so small and weak. He should have protected Sirius from that woman. Sirius, who looked so utterly defeated just now.

“No, it's okay.” Sirius mumbled and let himself fall down onto the creaky office chair. Thrusting his hands into his hair, he let out a strangled noise, as if he was choking on something and Remus realized, to his horror, that Sirius was crying. He had expected him to pretend nothing had happened or even to burst out in anger but not to cry.

Remus had never been particularly good at comforting people. If he was being honest with himself, he was usually the one in need of a shoulder to cry on.

He cautiously walked up to the other man and halted, because maybe Sirius didn't want anyone to touch him, maybe he wanted to be left alone. But then Sirius started trembling and before he could change his mind or overthink things, Remus crouched down next to him and pulled him into a hug.

That was when Sirius started to sob, breathlessly, into Remus' neck. It sounded as if something inside of him was breaking and his raw despair made Remus want to cry too.

It felt like an eternity before Sirius shoulders stopped shaking and he looked up at Remus. His eyes were red and he should have looked a mess but of course, Remus thought affectionately, he wasn't an ugly crier.

“Sorry.” Sirius croaked.

Remus smiled, what he hoped was reassuringly.

“That's all good.” His arms were still wrapped around Sirius and for a moment all he wanted to do was to lean in and kiss the tears off Sirius' face and with them the deeply sad look that seemed to have settled there.

Sirius nodded again before nuzzling his face back into the space between Remus' neck and shoulder. “Thanks.”, he mumbled and Remus could feel the word vibrate against his skin. He took a shaky breath to ban every unsavory thought that crept into his mind, oblivious to the nature of the physical closeness.

“That's all good.”, he said again. His back started to ache from the awkward position he was in; His knees on the hard floor, Sirius still slumped on the chair, but he tried not to move regardless.

“Take me to bed, Moony.” Sirius murmured, making Remus' head feel slightly dizzy.

“What?”, he exclaimed, a bit louder than he had intended.

“Please. Let me just sleep it off in your bed? I'll be fine in an hour or so.”

Remus swallowed hard before he helped Sirius up, ignoring his knees protest the sudden movement. _Moony_.

His room wasn't far from the reception, just down the corridor, but all energy seemed to have left Sirius body, so it felt to Remus as if he was dragging a 5'7 rag doll with him.

“My room is still messy and I haven't washed my sheets in a bit.”, he explained apologetically while fumbling for his keys.

“'S alright.” was the quiet reply, so he maneuvered the shorter man through the door, closing it behind him. He let go of Sirius carefully, prepared to catch him if he should fall.

“Sorry, Moony. Really. I don't...”, Sirius broke off.

He didn't make an attempt to move but just stood there, head slumped forward, dark hair falling over his face. “I didn't think they would ever... . Oh fuck, I'm going to fucking cry again!” He pressed his palms into his face, letting out a shaky breath.

Remus couldn't remember having ever felt so sorry for another person. Maybe his mum, when his grandma had died, but seeing Sirius like this was all wrong. Remus wasn't sure if he himself had ever even peeked behind Sirius' shell of self confidence. With his mum he had known how to comfort her, he had shared her grief, but Sirius pain seemed to go beyond grief or anything that Remus could fix.

“You should go and check on the reception. Please. I'll be fine.” Sirius still didn't look up when he said it, but Remus slowly backed out the door.

 _Moony_ rang in his ears, his heart was aching for Sirius and he wasn't sure if it was a good idea to leave him alone but a guest was already waiting at the reception. Sirius would have to be fine.

It took Remus about half an hour before he noticed the stack of papers sitting on the desk in front of him. The papers were neatly held together by a bulldog clip and the letterhead showed an impressive crest and the words _Black Lawyers_. He knew he shouldn't look, that these were very formal and very private papers but before he could stop himself his eyes wandered further down the page.

“ _Dear Mr Sirius Orion Black,_

_Thank you for your willingness to serve as a witness for the Tonks v. Black case._

_Your attendance is vital for the successful closure of this case. As a board member and part of the Black family..._ ”

Remus shook his head and quickly shoved the papers into the nearest drawer. This was non of his business. Whatever Sirius and evidently his family were involved in didn't concern him. Whatever the letter entailed that had prompted the earlier clash between Sirius and the woman in black was private. Even if it had made Sirius break down.

A cigarette was what Remus needed now. He padded his pockets in search for the almost new pack and a lighter but was interrupted by a man with messy black curls and round glasses storming into the reception. It took Remus a second to recognize James, who was panting heavily.

“I got here as quickly as I could! Where is he?”, he exclaimed, glancing around the reception restlessly.

“What?”, Remus replied, the taxing day making it hard for his brain to come up with eloquent responses.

“Sirius! He texted me! Bellatrix found him?” James eyes were wild with fury and concern and didn't match the vague memory Remus had of the man after their night out, not that he could remember that much.

“He's in my room. Wanted some alone time.” A wave of anxiety washed over Remus. He had only left Sirius alone for a bit, not even an hour, but James' reaction to a text made him think that even that might have been too long. What if Sirius had done something to himself? Remus hadn't considered it a possibility, not Sirius Black, but there seemed to be a lot he didn't know about him.

“Right. Okay. Where is that?” James was drumming his knuckles impatiently on the reception desk while Remus searched for the keys.

Together they walked over to the door, or in James' case jogged, but before Remus could unlock the door, Sirius opened it from the other side.

“Thought I heard your tender voice, Jamie.”

He looked tired and small. Remus only now noticed how much shorter Sirius was than him, a fact that was usually masked by his larger-than-life self confidence. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy but he still smiled at them, trying hard to appear unbothered.

“You didn't need to come all the way from home, man. I'm fine. Honestly.”

James shook his head decisively.

“The hell you are. How fucking dare she! I wish I could have been there to give her a piece of my mid!”

Sirius chuckled and quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Yeah, that would have been a sight. She wants me to come to a meeting. Someone in the family sued Andromeda for damages or whatever and they want me as a witness or something.” His expression reminded Remus of someone who had just found out the pâté they were eating was actually cat food. Only sadder.

“Ha! As if you'd help them. Do they think you're stupid?” James shook his head furiously. “You told her you won't come, right?” He looked at Sirius with an inquisitive stare that reminded Remus strongly of Lily.

Sirius cleared his throat and shot Remus a quick glance.

“I told her to fuck off. Obviously.”

James smiled menacingly and didn't seem to notice that Sirius wasn't meeting his eyes.

“Good! Come on Padfoot I'm taking you home.” James flung his arm over Sirius shoulder. “You are fine to take me on the bike, eh?”, he grinned and Sirius rolled his eyes.

James thanked Remus for taking over Sirius' shift earlier and Sirius gave him a strange little smile before the two departed on the impressively polished motorbike.

Remus was left standing outside the hostel feeling confused and drained. He smoked three cigarettes in a row to distract himself from the uneasy feeling in his gut but the image of Sirius broken expression seemed to be burned into his retinas. All of the sudden it seemed silly to him that he had considered himself to be too complicated to be in a relationship. _Selfish_. He took a deep breath to fight off the flood of self contempt that threatened to drown him. He couldn't have known.

His phone rang later in the afternoon, just after Remus had successfully orchestrated the room swap of a Norwegian bachelorette group, that didn't want to stay on the first floor, and a Welsh lads club. The display flashed Sirius' name and number at him impatiently and Remus' heart skipped a beat.

“Hey.”, he said softly, trying not to sound too knowing. He had always hated the pity he had received from his friends back home after a bad episode.

“Hey.” Sirius replied, sounding half asleep. Remus imagined him lying in bed, hair sprawled out over the pillow. Even if he definitely shouldn't.

“How are you doing?”, he said, chasing the thoughts of any part of Sirius sprawled out anywhere from his mind.

“Yeah. You know. Not necessarily that amazing.”, Sirius sighed. “I just wanted to say thank you. I don't usually do that. Cry. You know. And make other people do my job.”

He paused and Remus was sure he could hear his breath.

“Are you in bed?”, he asked before he could stop himself. He bit his lip but it was too late.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. “Do you wanna know what I'm wearing next?”

Remus felt himself blush. “Very funny. I mean are you resting. I don't want to have to take over your next shift too.” He wasn't sure how convincingly he had saved the conversation but it would have to do.

“Don't worry. I'm in bed. I might even be wearing very posh pajamas”, Sirius said. Remus wasn't sure if he was imagining it but his voice sounded deeper and huskier than it had at the beginning of the call. Or maybe he was loosing his last bit of sanity.

“No normal person owns pajamas.”, Remus replied. “But I'm glad you're getting some rest. And you don't need to thank me. Or apologize in case you were going to do that next.”

“You're right.” Sirius said. “I'm not really a normal person anyway. But if it makes you uncomfortable to be around the unnecessary luxury of silk pajamas I will happily take them off.”

Remus let out a noise that was a mix between a laugh and a breath but sounded too much like a moan for his comfort. “I'm glad you're back to your old self. You can keep your pants on.”, he choked out. What was it about Sirius that reduced him to a horny teenager, moments after he had been sick with worry and pity for the other man?

“Oh, do you prefer to undress me yourself?” Sirius said before breaking into laughter. “Sorry. You're just too cute when you're flustered. I can practically see you blushing through the screen.”

Remus couldn't help but smile.”You are such an arse. I hope you know that.”, he said without meaning it. He could almost hear Sirius grin.

“Whatever you are saying about my arse, save it for tomorrow. I want to take you out. After your shift.”

Remus froze. One of these days Sirius was going to give him a heart attack.

“Remus.”, Sirius said. “This is where you tell me that you would love to go out with me. Or where you tell me to shove off. I get that it's hard to find someone attractive after having them sob into your shirt for an hour.”

Remus knew he was joking but he could hear the unspoken question behind the antics. _Do you still like me?_ “I don't know what it would take for me to not find you attractive, to be honest.”, he said quickly. “So, yes. I would love to go out with you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes buzzfeed (basically)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays.   
> Don't let your family get you down.  
> And hug a cat.

Getting ready for a date wasn't something Remus Lupin did on a regular basis. Or ever, if he was being honest. He had seen his school friends get in a frenzy over what to wear, where to go or whether or not to bring condoms, but dating had never really appealed to him. Not even being alone in London had enticed him to try out a dating app or flirt a bit more earnestly with a guest.

Dating was messy, it was awkward and the thought of forced small talk in a dimly lit bar made Remus' insides churn. But he had said yes and he would have to go on a proper date with Sirius Black, who would look ridiculously gorgeous and be absurdly charming.

Remus' morning shift was as uneventful as any Monday morning and not nearly interesting enough to keep his thoughts occupied. He caught himself looking up “ _10 Conversation Starters to get you laid_ ” and “ _This simple trick will make your eyebrows look more alluring_ ” on the work computer and before he could stop himself he lost almost an hour to the rabbit hole that was click-bait.

He was just about to click on an article about the right way to wink when he heard someone politely clear their throat.

Remus jumped at the sight of his old English teacher. She looked just as he remembered; Stern, upright and clad in a tartan scarf that she would wear even on the sunniest of days.

“Remus Lupin. What a pleasant surprise.” Professor McGonagall said and her usually tight lips curled into a friendly smile.

“Professor?” Remus uttered, still unsure on how to process the image of the woman that he had always considered the epitome of class, standing in the dusty reception of arguably one of the worst hostels in London.

“What an agreeable coincidence. I had of course heard that you left for London, but never considered the possibility of actually seeing you here. You were always one of my favorite students.” She smiled again before looking around the reception.

Remus knew the disapproving look well, having been on the receiving end of it quite a bit in her advanced English class.

“I must say, Sybill ought to take better care of this establishment.”, she muttered.

“You know Sybill, Professor?”, Remus asked, feeling a bit like a teenager again, blurting out pretentious questions during the Shakespeare readings.

“Oh, yes indeed. She is a valued colleague. You are probably too young to remember her but she taught at our school. Briefly.” Professor McGonagall paused, as if she had just remembered a not so pleasant event, before continuing: “I visit her once a year in London. To _catch up_ , as they say. I was supposed to meet her outside, I can now see why, exactly fifteen minutes ago. You don't happen to know where she is?”

Remus shook his head. He hadn't seen Sybill in quite a while, which in itself wasn't unusual. She rarely stayed longer than a week in the hostel and not always told Remus and Molly where she went or when she was coming back. As she always payed them on time, neither of them complained and Sirius and Peter seemed to be glad not to have her looming over them.

“Typical.” Professor McGonagall huffed. “Well, I will just have to wait. In the meantime; How are you, Remus?” She turned her attention back to Remus, who was standing awkwardly behind the reception desk.

“Ehm, good! I have been working here for a while now. It's nice. I like London.” He didn't know what else to say, because what was he supposed to tell his old teacher? That he had been so lonely just a few weeks ago that he had been close to giving up and going back home to his mother? Or that the reason he liked London now, had a name and devilish good looks?

“How good for you.” The professor exclaimed in her usual curt manner. If Remus hadn't known her, he would have been taken aback, but he remembered her no-nonsense ways fondly.

“Yes. It really is.”, he said with a smile.

“Well, our village is no place for young people anymore, so I'm glad that you found your footing in a more stimulating place. It will do you good. After everything.”

Remus swallowed. He had never been sure what exactly his teacher knew about the reason why his grades had suddenly dropped in his last year of school, or why he had failed to attend his favorite classes repeatedly. She had of course asked him and even sent for his mother after he had refused to give a straight answer, but maybe she had known all along. She did teach Fenrir too, after all.

“No need to explain, Remus.”, she said and gave Remus a stern look. “The past is the past and you seem to be doing well.”

Remus nodded again, even if he doubted that working at AllOfLondon should be taken as proof that he was doing well. “Thank you, Professor.”

Remus was saved from further small talk by a flustered Sybill Trelawney who floated into the reception, accompanied by the distinct smell of marijuana. Professor McGonagall shot Remus a last amused glance before bidding her good byes and leading Sybill out of the hostel.

The sudden impulse to laugh out loud overcame Remus, laugh at the absurdity of it all. After months of monotony he couldn't even get a single morning without surprises.

“I wonder who will show up next.” Remus said quietly to himself.

Being a receptionist had its perks, maybe not many but Remus could always claim forgotten books and headphones, but if anything the job certainly kept him on his toes. Not five minutes after Sybill and her unlikely friend left, the comfortable silence was broken by a middle aged woman and two screaming toddlers. The hostel didn't usually attract families, for good reason, but once in a while Remus had to wrestle with disappointed parents and misbehaved children.

It was almost the end of his shift before Remus remembered the date again. There had been problems with the shift plan, problems with the cleaning staff, problems with the laundry delivery and at last problems with a clogged shower drain. He was tired, sweaty and annoyed but at least he had lost some of his nervousness.

Peter showed up early to take over his shift and Remus could have kissed him, as it meant that he had time for a shower and a quick existential crisis.

“If Sirius asks for me, tell him I'll be only a minute.”, he told Peter, just after they had counted the till.

“What? Isn't it his day off?” Peter asked, his round, blue eyes fixed on the computer screen.

“Ehm. Yes. It is. But.” Remus stuttered, unable to find the right words. “We're going out?” It sounded more like a question than a statement and he felt himself blush again.

Peter nodded and then pointed at the screen. “Oh, that's why you were reading up on _What a guy's hair means_.”

Remus couldn't remember ever having blushed harder in his life. “Right.”, he choked out.

“I wasn't spying on you!” Peter exclaimed quickly and shot Remus a worried look. “I just wanted to log into my Spotify account. It's always so quiet here, so I thought...”, he trailed off and closed the browser window.

“Right. Of course. That's okay. No worries. I'll be going. To the showers. Cheers!” Remus proclaimed and made a hasty exit, almost running into the door frame.

The shower didn't do much to soothe his buzzing mind but at least it washed away the sticky feeling that lingered on Remus' skin after each long shift. He tried to concentrate on the hot, if slightly unsteady, stream of water and to breathe evenly. It was going to be fine, he told himself. Sirius wasn't going to regret having asked him out. He wasn't going to leave the date early and he wasn't going to post online about how much of a bore Remus was.

Remus shook his head as hard as he could. “Slow it down.”, he told himself through gritted teeth. “Slow it the fuck down.” He felt tears sting in his eyes and his hands shake, because this was all too much; Sirius, Professor McGonagall, Sirius, the kiss, the letter, Sirius... .

He didn't realize that he was crouching in the shower until his knees started to hurt. The pain dragged him back to the uncomfortable reality of kneeling in a lukewarm shower that probably hadn't been cleaned thoroughly since 1999.

He patted himself on the shoulder before slowly standing up. His therapist had told him once that he should show more affection towards himself by hugging himself or patting his own back. Remus didn't know how much truth there was to that idea, but he did feel a bit better. At least he could smile at the unintentional goofiness of the situation.

He was going to be late, Remus thought, as he finally dragged himself out of the shower and put on fresh clothes. He had briefly considered asking Lily for advice on what to wear but then almost shuddered at the thought of having to talk about fashion for more than five minutes. Some of his girl friends in school had tried to persuade him to go shopping with them after he had come out as gay, and were bitterly disappointed when they realized that Remus' sexuality didn't automatically make him take an interest in fashion.

Sirius' voice was audible through the bathroom door and after a quick glance in the mirror Remus took a deep breath and braced himself for what was to come.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes questionable hair ties and a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!  
> I hope 2020 goes great for you.

The sight of Sirius Black made Remus' heart beat faster, even more noticeably than usual.

Sirius was leaning casually against the door frame of the reception, one hand in the pocket of his worn, black leather jacket. His hair was tied up into a top knot but he had swapped the usual elastic band for what Remus was sure was a scrunchy. If anyone but Sirius had unironically worn a 90's hair tie Remus would have declared them a try-hard hipster but somehow it made the other man look _more_ punk rock.

Sirius grinned when he spotted Remus and elegantly pushed himself off the door frame.

“Hey there. I was beginning to think you bailed on me.”

Remus shrugged apologetically. “Sorry. I had to take a shower.”

Sirius looked him up and down slowly and stated: “Worth the wait.”

Remus rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress a smile.

“So, are you taking me out or not? Our date better not take place in the hostel or I might just have to bail on you after all.”, he said after a small pause, trying to ignore what the sight of Sirius' tattoos, just visible over the collar of his low cut t-shirt, did to him.

“Ouch, so sassy!” Sirius replied before walking up to Remus and casually taking his hand to lead him out of the hostel.

Remus looked down at their hands. Sirius long fingers seemed to fit into his hand perfectly. He smiled, more to himself than anything. “You are wearing nail polish. Very punk rock.”

“Matches my aesthetic, don't you think?”, Sirius quipped back and abruptly stopped out front of the hostel. “It is time for you to formally meet the only woman in my life.”, he beamed proudly.

Remus confusion lasted only a second before Sirius let go of his hand to pat his motorbike on the saddle like a trusted old horse. “Isn't she a beaut?”

“Sure.”, said Remus, whose knowledge of motorbikes just about matched his knowledge of wood working. He had sat on a scooter before, everyone's cousin in the countryside had one, but this shiny, midnight black beast was hardly comparable to the rusty old ride in his uncles garage.

“Can't we just take the tube?”, he asked half-jokingly, but Sirius shocked face made clear that that wasn't an option.

“ _Take the tube?_ Remus! One of the perks of dating me is my bike. Believe me, you're gonna love it!”

He handed Remus a helmet, who put it on cautiously, and then pulled out his pink, fluffy hair tie, before shoving on his own helmet. Remus could see the loose strands of hair framing Sirius' face through the visor.

“Where are we going?”, he requested weakly, knowing Sirius too well to actually expect an answer.

“It's a surprise, Moony.” Sirius declared. He kick started the bike and gestured behind him for Remus to mount the humming machine.

The ride was more pleasant than Remus had expected, mainly because he got to cling onto Sirius tightly and could feel the other man's muscles tense and move, even through his jacket. He was lost in thought, musing about what those muscles would feel like under his fingers, when Sirius pulled the brakes. They had stopped next to a park that Remus didn't recognize.

“We're here!” Sirius shouted unnecessarily and Remus got off the seat as gracefully as he possibly could. His knees felt a bit weak, even after the relatively short ride.

Sirius stored away the helmets, locked up the motorcycle and took Remus' hand again. Together they followed a little path that wound it's way alongside trees and wilted flower beds. They didn't speak but Remus felt giddy with the excitement of the fast journey and Sirius' strong hand in his. If he had known earlier that all it took for his anxiety to disappear was Sirius' fingers wound around his, he needn't have worried so much, he thought.

“Right, so. That's it.” Sirius stated, as they stopped under a willow tree hidden away from the narrow path. And from rubbernecking tourists that probably frequented the picturesque park, Remus added as an afterthought.

Remus looked around. It was lovely. Definitely lovely. But he couldn't quite make out why Sirius had brought him here.

Sirius grinned at his confused expression, let go of his hand, to Remus' dismay, and carefully put down a Tesco shopping bag that Remus hadn't noticed earlier.

“I thought...”, Sirius said as he began to pull out several items from the bag, “that we should go somewhere nice and quiet.” He unfolded a blanket in the shade of the tree. “I don't know about you, but after having to deal with drunk idiots all day I'm usually not in the mood to go to a bar and face those same idiots again.”

Remus nodded and slowly understood what the blanket, the paper bags and the bottles of ginger beer were going to amount to.

“Also, I might not look it, but I actually really enjoy being in nature.”, Sirius added before sitting down on the blanket. He beamed up at Remus. “Tadaa!”

The laugh that escaped Remus certainly wasn't very sexy and sounded more like a snort, but the sight of Sirius sitting proudly among his makeshift picnic stirred a new kind of affection in him. He knew he was in danger of actually falling in... somewhere with Sirius, but the prospect for once didn't make him flinch.

He sat down and felt himself slip into a comfortable conversation with Sirius, that was only interrupted by them eating the most definitely overpriced sandwiches. Talking to Sirius was different from talking to Lily, it was different than talking to Peter or Sybill or his mum or anyone he had ever talked to. Sirius seemed to listen to everything Remus said, no matter how mundane, with undivided attention. He didn't ask Remus any uncomfortable questions about his past, didn't mention the scars Remus was sure he had noticed by now, and didn't seem bored with him talking about his favorite books.

Dusk was already starting to set, when Sirius scooted over closer to Remus and leaned his head against his shoulder. Remus smiled over his suddenly pounding heartbeat and cautiously took the other man's hand.

“You know, this is nice.”, Sirius said quietly. “Like. It's good, right?”

Warmth pooled in Remus' chest. “Yes. I think so.”

He could hear Sirius chuckle. “I am usually very smooth, just so you know.”

Remus nodded. He could almost feel the anticipation crackle like electricity on his skin.

“But with you...”, Sirius laughed quietly. “with you it's different.”

“I'm not like other girls?”, Remus teased lightly, if just to mask how intoxicated he was by the man's closeness.

“Hmm.” Sirius hummed and slowly began to stroke Remus' hand with his thumb.

The small movement made Remus' head feel light and he didn't want to think about where exactly all his blood was rushing to. He took a shallow breath to steady himself. This was it, he told himself. This was where he should kiss Sirius, but he couldn't move.

They sat still for a while, without saying a word and Sirius continued to stroke the back of Remus' hand. Finally he lifted his head from Remus shoulder.

“The first time we kissed, you started it.”

Remus heart began to pound faster as he looked down at Sirius, who was so close to him, hair tumbling around his face, framing it so that the shadows accentuated his cheekbones. His eyes were dark, wide and stormy.

“And then you had the audacity to fall asleep next to me, half naked without so much as a peck on the cheek.” Sirius voice was soft and teasing and shot straight to Remus' groin.

“Oh?”, he replied distractedly, unable to tear his eyes off Sirius face, his radiant, fascinating face.

“Hmm.” Sirius hummed. “Remus?”

Remus nodded.

“I really want to kiss you. Is that okay?”

“Yes.”, he said weakly. “Please.”

Sirius smiled. And then kissed him.

It wasn't like the first time, drunk and reckless, and not like the second time, no self consciousness, no embarrassment. Remus felt Sirius' lips on his and for once his mind went quiet. He felt the heat radiating off the other man on his skin, tasted mint and honey and smoke. He shifted his weight and pulled Sirius closer and finally, finally buried his hands in the raven black hair.

Sirius let out a stifled moan when Remus slightly pulled at the dark locks and grabbed hold of Remus' shoulders, maybe to steady himself, before opening his mouth and nipping at Remus' lover lip. The sweet, sharp pain made Remus growl. He felt Sirius' mouth on his, his tongue, his teeth and it was so much better than he could have imagined.

Finally Sirius pulled away, panting, eyes huge.

“Fuck. Okay. Huh...” He was still holding on to Remus, who couldn't bring himself to take his hands out of Sirius' soft hair.

“That wasn't bad, eh?” Remus grinned breathlessly. His heart was still trying to jump out of his chest and he could feel the heat in his cheeks but it didn't matter, because he was holding Sirius who looked so artfully disheveled it should be made illegal.

“Fuck, we should have really done that earlier!”, exclaimed Sirius.

“Well, that's hardly your fault, I...” Remus started but Sirius rolled his eyes and pulled him in again. His left hand moved from Remus' shoulder to his throat, holding Remus gently but firmly in place. Remus shifted his weight further and pulled Sirius into his lap, moving his hands down his chest, searching for skin.

“This is dangerous.” Sirius purred, pulling away slightly.

Remus head was swimming and he felt himself go hard against his jeans but he knew Sirius was right. To go on would be dangerous, even if Sirius' weight on his lap made him want nothing more than to go on.

“I thought you lived dangerously? Bring a rebel and all that?”, Remus said nonetheless.

Sirius chuckled and leaned his forehead against Remus'. “Can I tell you a secret?”, he whispered.

“Is this where you tell me that you're not actually gay?”, Remus teased lightly to distract himself from the fact that he could just cup Sirius' arse if he wanted to.

“I'm not actually that cool. You will have to be the cool one. On our next date?”

Remus' smile turned into a beam, which was again not very sexy, but for the moment he didn't mind.

“I think I can be cool enough for both of us. On our next date.”, he answered.

“Good.”, Sirius said and started to untangle himself from Remus. “We should be going home. I have to get up early tomorrow and can't fall asleep at Check-In again.”

Remus' lap felt painfully empty without Sirius in it but the other man was right, it was probably for the best. He stretched himself and yawned: “You fell asleep? What a terrible employee.”

“I know. You will have to punish me.”. Sirius raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh, is that what you're into?”, Remus said slowly, his voice a bit higher than usual.

“You'll just have to find out.” Sirius replied.

Remus rolled his eyes and Sirius' winked at him.

They packed the rest of the picnic away too quickly for Remus' taste, who wouldn't have minded lingering in the semi-dark park for a while longer, even he felt himself shiver slightly with the creeping cold. But at least Sirius held his hand again on the short walk back to the bike. He dropped him off at the hostel, not without making a joke about _Grease_ or some other musical. The reference was lost on Remus.

Molly had already taken over the night shift and was sitting behind the reception desk.

“You're out late.”, she commented with a wide smile.

Remus shrugged lightly and then winked at her. “Oh, you know. It's a beautiful night.”

Molly looked at him quizzically before breaking into good-natured laughter. “All right, don't tell me then.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes Lily being the friend I wish I had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the big sad so I thought I'd upload this chapter early.

The next days passed Remus by without him really noticing. Sure, he had to deal with the usual hostel problems, but they didn't seem as all-consuming and exhausting as they did just a week ago.

He was dating Sirius Black.

He was dating Sirius Black and that meant that he got to kiss him when they swapped over shifts, he got to brush his hair behind his ear whenever he wanted to and got to pine over him without feeling weird about it. And they were going to go out this Friday.

Remus had offered to make a plan, it was his turn after all, but so far he hadn't come up with any ideas. He didn't know one cool bar or club in London and as much as he would have loved to simply lock himself and Sirius in a room for a few hours, that would hardly count as a proper date.

The saving grace came in the form of Lily. Remus should be used to that by know, he thought affectionately, while making his way over to Rosie's.

Lily was waiting for him outside the café at three pm sharp, like she had said she would. She was wearing a pale summer dress that made her red hair and green eyes stand out and a knitted cardigan that Remus would love to borrow some time.

“Remus! Let's get _gelato_ , please? Seeing as it is the hottest October in the history of hot Octobers and all?”, Lily sing-songed upon seeing him.

“Um, sure.”, he replied and let himself be dragged through the way too hot city to a curious little ice cream shop that was so hidden between more vibrant bars and cafés, that he would surely have missed it.

“So. Tell me everything.” Lily said without further ado, once they had bought their ice cream, chocolate for Remus, strawberry for Lily, and found a spot on a shaded bench across the street.

“It was great!”, he blurted out. “No, really. It was. The best date I ever had. I mean, it was the first date I ever had, but...”, he trailed off.

Lily smiled. “Good. Sirius was driving James and me crazy, running his picnic idea past us. I was close to smothering him with the picnic blanked but nice to hear that it was worth it.”

Remus giggled. “Must be quite the experience, living with him.”

“Oh, believe me it is! Every day he and James don't blow up the toaster or the dryer is just one day closer to some bigger disaster. It makes sense when you look at their upbringing but even rich kids should know how to use a dishwasher by the time they reach their 20s, don't you think?” She rolled her eyes at Remus' bemused expression. “One day soon James and I will get a flat together and I honestly have no idea how Sirius is going to survive on his own.”

Remus could hear that she was joking but there seemed a bit of truth to her statement.

“How come he doesn't know how to use a dishwasher?”, he inquired. He had heard Lily mention that James and Sirius were rich, but surely not _that_ rich?

“He's been living with James and his parents for quite some time and Fleamont and Euphemia coddled them way too much. They are lovely parents, of course, but didn't teach the boys the first thing about maintaining a household.”

“I didn't know Sirius and James were actually brothers.”, Remus exclaimed. It was evident that the two were close but James and Sirius didn't look alike in any way but the black hair. And even there James' tight curls and Sirius' smooth locks didn't seem to indicate a blood relation.

“Oh, no they aren't, even though they might as well be.”, Lily chuckled. “They have known each other practically all their life. Went to a posh boarding school in Scotland together, as rich kids do I guess, and have been inseparable ever since they first laid eyes on each other. It's quite the bro-mance.”

“Should we be worried?” Remus joked lightly and Lily let out a bright laugh.

“No, definitely not. But nothing ever comes between Sirius and James. They have been through some tough times together...”, she halted and looked at Remus inquiringly. “Did you guys talk about Sirius' family at all?”

Remus took a deep breath. They hadn't. The date had been wonderful but Remus had to admit that they probably should have talked about the unsettling visit Sirius had received. Or talked about their families at all. At the time Remus had been grateful not having to explain his past but maybe he should have and in turn asked Sirius about his.

Lily interpreted the expression on his face instantly. “Yeah, thought so. It has nothing to do with you personally but Sirius doesn't like to talk about _them_. James has told me enough to understand why, but Sirius never really talked to me about the Blacks either.”

“So are they all like that Bella?”, Remus asked quietly. His hands suddenly seemed like an interesting object to concentrate on.

“Yes. And no. I don't know how much I should tell you without Sirius knowing about it. It's hard for him to open up at all and I don't want him to feel like I told you things he wanted to keep secret for a while.” Lily said apologetically.

“Oh, that's fine. I understand. Really well actually.”

He thought about all the things he didn't want Sirius to know just yet, maybe ever. And how was he supposed to bring them up, even if he wanted to? How could he casually talk about that time he didn't leave his bed for a week or the reason he refused to take off his jumper? But if he felt like that, and Sirius felt like that, how could they truly ever get close without it being just a pleasant lie, he contemplated bitterly.

“Remus, you know that you can talk to me, right?” Lily said urgently while grabbing his hand. “I know we haven't known each other for that long but I understand what it's like to live inside your head and to get stuck in your own thoughts. You don't have to tell me everything, of course, but I like you. And I can keep a secret. If that's what you want.”

Remus looked up at her and saw her eyes shimmer with tears. She blinked them away quickly and squeezed his hand.

“That's...” Remus voice was hoarse and he needed to swallow a few times. “That's... I... Thank you.” He squeezed back and smiled at Lily.

“So!”, Lily cleared her throat before continuing. “What's the Friday situation like? Any ideas?”

Remus was glad over the change of subject. “Honestly? No. The picnic was such a great idea and I want to say I would have done the same but the truth is that I'm just not that creative.”

“Nonsense!” Lily declared. “You are just worried that your ideas can't compete but I'm sure that Sirius will be over the moon just because he gets to spend time with you, no matter where.”

Remus felt himself blush and Lily started giggling.

“What?”, he mumbled self consciously.

“ _Over the moon_! Because you're Moony.”, she uttered between bursts of laughter.

“Oh, right. What's up with that then?” Remus was surprised to hear her call him Moony. He had almost forgotten about the nickname and assumed it was just some standard pet name he had never heard of before.

“Didn't Sirius tell you? It's because of your name!”

Remus still didn't understand what she was talking about and Lily had to have read it in his face because she calmed herself and continued to explain:

“Remus Lupin? Wolf Wolf? Sirius and James are really into old horror films so somehow they decided that you are secretly a werewolf. Moony like the moon, get it? They have odd nicknames for each other as well.”

He wasn't sure if he was impressed or even more confused by the explanation but the thought of Sirius inventing a nickname for him made him smile.

“Does he talk about me a lot?”, he asked, casually as he hoped.

“Oh, only about ten times a day.” Lily replied before swatting Remus lightly on the arm. “Doesn't matter now. We have a date to plan!”

They had to buy a second round of ice cream before they came up with a suitable plan. It was mostly Lily's idea and for the hundredth time, or so it felt, Remus felt immensely grateful for having met Lily.

She laughed when he admitted his sentiments to her and assured him that the feeling was mutual.

Before the could elaborate on their growing platonic love the sky overcast so quickly it seemed like a time laps and it started to rain.

“Oh, just as well. You can come to my flat if you want to. I have all the ingredients for a mediocre curry and there is a bottle of wine somewhere.”, Lily offered and Remus accepted gladly.

It wasn't far to Lily's flat, which lay in a less posh part of London and made Remus feel a lot more welcome than the over sized mess he had come to know as Sirius' and James' apartment.

The flat was small and consisted of only one room with a little kitchen in the corner. Lily's bed was as far away as possible from the cheap electric stove and made to perfection. She didn't seem to own much furniture but to Remus' delight a lot of books that were tucked into all remaining corners, stacked high next to her bed and covered most of her wobbly writing desk.

“It's not big but it's home.”, Lily sighed.

“It's brilliant!” Remus exclaimed and started looking through her books before he could stop himself.

“Yeah, well, my mum keeps telling me to get a book case but I doubt I will be getting old here so what's the point, right?” Lily grinned at Remus enthusiasm and plopped herself onto the green office chair, which seemed to be the only seating accommodation in her room apart from a fragile looking kitchen chair.

“Makes sense.”, Remus replied distractedly. Lily seemed to own half a library and Remus couldn't take his eyes off the book spines. Most of them were obviously read thoroughly, possible second hand, but what surprised him was the variety of books. There were the usual classics, _Shakespeare_ , _Hardy_ , _Dickens_ , _Austen_ , but also a wide range of non-fiction from _Harari_ over _Hawking_ to “ _The Oxford illustrated History of Ireland_ ”.

“Do you operate an illegal book shop from here, or...?”, Remus finally asked.

Lily grinned while swiveling around in her chair. “No. I'm just a massive nerd. Asking teachers for extra homework kind of nerd. In third grade I wrote a play and forced my entire class to perform it. I always got straight A's and got my Bachelor in _Regelstudienzeit_. That's German for “I didn't have a life outside the classroom until I finished my studies”.”

Remus raised his eyebrows before breaking into laughter. Of course, he thought bemused, that was the reason they got on like a house on fire. Two nerds with anxiety would have to be drawn together at an instant.

“Well, now that I know I can just drop all pretense and admit that I myself always was a teachers pet, who practically lived in the school library and was fantasizing about becoming a famous poet.”, he explained to Lily.

“I never would have guessed.”, she mocked.

“Haha, very funny.”, Remus drawled. “But seriously, why aren't you studying now if you love it so much?”

“I am already neck deep in debt. My parents can't afford paying for university so I thought it would be good to take a year off before I start my Masters to earn some money.” Lily had gotten quiet and Remus instantly regretted bringing it up.

“I get it.”, he said quickly. “It's fucking disgraceful that they make us pay thousands of pounds just to have a shot at life!”

“Tell me about it!” Lily added empathically.

Remus was about to start a heated rant on the British school system when Lily's phone rang. He didn't want to listen in, especially as it was obviously James on the other end of the line, but Lily's concerned expression made him perk up.

“What do you mean he isn't home yet?”, she said and paused, listening to Jame's response.

“But he always comes straight home. Are you sure he didn't text you?” Pause.

“No, that's true. I mean normally I would say that you shouldn't worry because he is an adult but...” Pause.

“I know. This is Sirius we're talking about.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a some hurt feelings and slammed doors.  
> (Notes at the end of the chapter for spoiler)

They looked everywhere.

James had met up with Lily and Remus an hour earlier to go looking for his best friend, who wouldn't pick up the phone no matter who tried to call him.

If Remus was honest with himself he had been confused at the beginning. Starting a search party for a 23 year old man because he didn't come home straight after work seemed like overkill if not slightly ridicules.

But Sirius' bike wasn't at the hostel and Peter had told them that Sirius' had swapped over shifts as usual before taking off, but couldn't tell them where to. He hadn't been at his favorite bar, a dingy little place that made Remus feel uncool the second he stepped into it, his usual coffee shop or the record store.

Searching for Sirius Black gave Remus a strange insight into his life. These were the places Sirius went to on a regular basis, so regular that both the owner of the record store and the coffee shop seemed to know him by name. Remus was half surprised there wasn't a drink named after him at the bar but didn't utter his thoughts to the others as James seemed to be genuinely concerned.

“He doesn't just run off without telling me!”, he kept saying.

Lily tried to soothe him by giving different explanations but non seemed to satisfy her boyfriend.

Remus felt strangely out of place, like a third wheel, and he became aware just how little he knew Sirius. He had absolutely no idea why he had not come home, where he could have possibly gone or even why it was such a big deal that Sirius didn't tell James about his plans.

He found himself wishing he was alone with Lily so that he could tell her about his feeling but as soon as he did, he felt ashamed. Why did he have to make this about himself, he thought furiously. This was about Sirius, who was possibly in danger, and here he was, only thinking about his own stupid insecurities.

Lily looked over to him a few times and smiled reassuringly but as it got darker and colder outside her smiles grew less.

It was almost ten at night when they gave up, drenched in rain and chilled to the bone, and promised each other to call immediately if they had any updates on Sirius.

Remus dragged himself back to the hostel and took a steaming hot shower before falling into his unmade bed, still shivering slightly.

His alarm woke him mercilessly at seven thirty and it took Remus a few seconds before he could place the frantic messages he had received throughout the night. Sirius still wasn't back.

He typed a quick reply to Lily and James before getting ready for work.

It was one in the afternoon before Remus could finally take a much needed smoke break. October had arrived in full force and he had to huddle against the hostel wall to light his cigarette. One in the afternoon and Sirius was still missing.

Remus was worried, of course he was, but there was a tiny voice in the back of his mind that was annoyed. Sirius was not a child. And he had a job. He was supposed to take over Remus' shift in a few hours and still hadn't shown any life signs and now Remus would have to cover for him. No matter what had happened, couldn't he at least text James?

But what if it was bad? Really bad? What if something _had_ happened to him? Riding a motorbike was dangerous on a calm day but the autumn storm could have easily led to an accident.

“Fuck.”, Remus exclaimed and checked his phone for the umpteenth time that day.

By the time it was three thirty he was finally considering to just call the police, when Sirius strolled casually into the reception. He was soaking wet but didn't seemed at all phased by either the rain or Remus' startled expression.

“Hey, Remus, I have to borrow a shirt again, a'ight?”, he said before chucking his drenched leather jacket into a corner and reaching for a towel.

“What?” Remus shook his head slightly, but no, Sirius was real, standing right in front of him, acting as if nothing had happened.

“I'm wet? And need a shirt?” Sirius repeated slowly.

“Where the fuck have you been?”, Remus finally exclaimed.

Sirius towel dried his hair and then, without meeting Remus' eye asked: “What? I'm not late, am I?”

“We've been looking all over for you!” Remus replied accusingly.

“No need to be so dramatic.”, Sirius scoffed.

Remus felt heat rise in his cheeks and his heart beat faster. “We were worried. You just vanished. James was ready to call the police on you. Why didn't you just text him? Or me?”

“Oh, please. I was gone for one fucking night. I don't need to update you on what I'm doing every minute of every fucking day. We went on _one_ date, Remus. You have no fucking right to be angry with me!” Sirius dropped the towel to the floor and clenched his fists.

Remus tried very hard to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach and the dull pain in his chest. “And what about James? You know how he gets. He is really...”

“Yes, _I_ know how he gets. Because he is _my_ best friend. You know fucking nothing so get out of my shit.” Sirius spat the last words at him, eyes furious, jaw set.

Remus nodded slowly and quickly blinked away the tears that had started to sting in his eyes.

“Okay.”, he finally said. His voice sounded hurt even to his own ears but he didn't look up to see Sirius' reaction. “Fine. I already counted the till. The couple in room three were complaining about the radiator so if they come down again refer them to Sybill.”

He quickly walked past Sirius before he could change his mind and locked himself in his room.

He didn't bother switching on the light and sent a quick text to Lily in the dim afternoon light. The tears that were threatening to spill over just a minute ago seemed to have dried up and Remus felt strangely numb.

He should have expected this, he thought. Of course this was going to happen at some point. It had been too good to be true, so why was he even surprised.

_At least you didn't let him fuck you,_ a voice in his head teased, a voice that sounded unnervingly familiar. Remus swallowed hard. He needed a cigarette.

Usually he wouldn't dream of smoking in his own room but once wouldn't hurt and the fire alarm was probably out of batteries. Remus opened the window and leaned to the wall next to it. It was still raining but he could barely feel the icy drops of water on his skin. He went through the motions of smoking automatically, ignoring how hard his hands were shaking even after the fourth cigarette.

It was dark by the time Remus managed to drag himself away from the window. The pack was empty, he felt the nicotine buzzing in his head and one side of his body was wet and cold, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

His therapist would probably warn him against indulging in this numbness, tell him to focus on small things, breathe, and to let the feelings happen but what good would that do. He had tried to live life and be spontaneous and make friends and where had that gotten him? Wasn't it better to feel nothing instead of feeling whatever it was that was hiding right beneath the surface?

The sound of his buzzing phone distracted him momentarily from his bitter thoughts. Remus was contemplating to ignore it when he saw Lily's name on the screen.

“Hi.”, he croaked and immediately cursed his voice for giving away too much.

“Hey.” Lily's said. “Are you okay?”

“Yup!”, he replied hastily. “Si... ehm... Sirius is back. So. False alarm. All good.”

“James is pretty mad at him. I suppose you are as well?”

“Nope. Not really my business anyway.” He had never been great at lying but this was pathetic even to his own standards.

“Look, Remus, Sirius can be a dick when he feels backed into a corner. When James and I first started dating he felt threatened somehow and was actually pretty shitty to me. But whatever he said to you, he doesn't mean it. That doesn't make it okay, of course...”, Lily trailed off.

“Thanks. It doesn't matter. I'm fine.” He didn't want to push her away but talking to her made him feel less and less indifferent and that was the last thing he wanted. If he wasn't numb he would have to feel whatever it was that was waiting to drown him.

“Okay. But if you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. You now that, right?” She sounded concerned.

“Yes. I know. All good though.”

Remus hung up and let himself fall onto his bed, where he sank deeper and deeper into his own mind. He knew he was overthinking this but didn't have the energy to drag himself back to reality to make responsible choices. If Sirius got to blow up at him, he got to cope the familiar way. Dissociation would soon wrap him up like a blanket.

A knock startled him not two minutes later.

“Remus! I'm sorry!” Sirius shouted through the door.

Remus' first instinct was to tell him to go away but he took a deep breath instead and went to open the door. “What?”, he asked flatly.

“Why is it so dark?” Sirius demanded but before Remus could reply, Sirius threw his arms around him and pulled into him into a kiss.

The force of the movement sent them both stumbling into Remus' room. Sirius kicked the door shut behind them and continued to kiss Remus hungrily, pressing against him.

Remus was too surprised to react to the kiss, but Sirius didn't seem to mind. He wound one arm tightly around Remus and began to slide his other hand under his shirt.

“Stop!”, Remus exclaimed breathlessly and gave Sirius a light shove. His head felt fuzzy and he could feel his throat tighten. “What the fuck, Sirius!”

It was too dark to see but he could hear Sirius breathe heavily close to him.

“What? I said I'm sorry.”, he panted.

“Oh, right. And I just have to be okay with that?” Anger was rising in Remus, because how was it that Sirius got to do that to him? Make him feel like that and then just get away with it?

“I said I'm sorry.”, Sirius repeated slowly.

“Well, good for you!” Remus was aware that he was yelling but couldn't stop himself. “You were... you were really fucking rude to me and you either explain what the fuck is going on or you leave me alone but you don't just get to kiss me as if everything is okay!”

“Is makeup sex not a thing where you're from or...” Sirius joked but Remus barely registered it.

“I get that you have some issues but so do I! It might be news to you but there are a lot of people who struggle but we try to do something about it and not just let it out on our friends!”

Sirius was quiet after Remus' outburst, as if he was weighing his next words carefully.

“Oh, you get that, do you?”, he finally said. His voice was cold and dismissive. “Tell me Remus, what exactly do you get? Do you get what it feels like to be hunted down by your own family, years after you thought you finally escaped them? Do you get what it's like to have that looming over you every fucking second of your life? Being scared that they might see you somewhere and make a scene? Or dig up some dirt on you to blackmail you into fucking submission?”

“I...” Remus didn't know what to say. His anger had evaporated and he was left feeling empty and tired.

“Fucking thought so.”, Sirius said heatedly. “So don't you dare think you are better than me just because you went to therapy over some teenage angst.”

“Get out.”, Remus said through gritted teeth.

He brushed past Sirius and fumbled his way to the light switch. The light was glaring and uncomfortably bright but Remus opened the door and stared at Sirius blankly.

“Fine.”, the other man hissed and stormed out, slamming the door shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As compensation for all the drama, here is my number one "breakup" song:  
> The Gold – Manchester Orchestra (optional Nick Waterhouse Remix)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes Halloween and misunderstandings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the comments!

Remus spent Halloween by himself, working a double shift at AllOfLondon.

Both he and Peter had been invited to James' Halloween party but Remus had offered to take over Peters shift, so that the other man could spend all day with his newfound friends.

Lily had called him numerous times, trying to convince him to come to the party after work but he had excused himself without really trying.

It was tense between him and Sirius. The day of their date had come and gone and without either of them mentioning it. They were carefully polite whenever they had to work together but Remus tried his best to stay out of the other man's way when he was at the hostel.

He knew dating Sirius was over before it had really begun, but he could feel himself slip nonetheless. Eating had become a chore again and he found himself replacing meals with cigarettes and the weak tea they could get for free in the hostel kitchen.

Peter commented on his low mood a number of times but Remus mumbled explanations about seasonal depression seemed to make him uncomfortable enough that he stopped asking.

Halloween at the hostel was taxing. Most guests had left London with the good weather, with the exception of groups that had way too much enthusiasm when it came to dressing up.

The no-alcohol policy Remus usually at least tried to enforce might as well not have existed, as empty bottles started to turn up in the hallways before lunchtime. Pregaming seemed to start right after breakfast and he had to interrupt the various groups at least three times before the sun even started to set. The only working smoke alarm in the kitchen went off twice and Remus had to drag out a couple of pot heads, while drunk tourists in revealing costumes cheered him on.

He finally hid in the reception where he tried to ignore the laughing and drunk bantering that was audible through walls and closed doors.

Armed with a new book and Peters Spotify account Remus prepared to settle in, when his peace was disturbed yet again. Two women, dressed up as what Remus presumed were sexy nurses, tried to convince him to let them throw a proper party in the hostel lounge and only left the reception after he promised them that, yes, he would have a drink with them later that night.

Remus was aware that alcohol and rejection weren't a great mix but couldn't care less. He was alone. So what, if he embarrassed himself in front of sexy nurses? They didn't know him.

He closed the reception early and awkwardly joined the guests in the lounge. He would have just one drink and then swap his shift over to Molly, he told himself sternly.

The two women whooped as he entered and quickly introduced themselves as Heather and Caitlin. They were from somewhere in Washington, DC, and loved Sherlock Holmes and Prince Harry. The DC was somehow important but after a few strong rum-colas Remus couldn't recall why.

Heather was tall and brunette and Caitlin short and blond but Remus kept confusing them anyway. They didn't seem to mind but instead kept introducing him to all the other people in the lounge, adding to the list of names Remus would forget within five minutes.

Someone started blasting _Toxic_ on the tinny hostel boombox and Heather or Caitlin pulled Remus up to dance with her.

“I'm actually one of the scary killer nurses from _Silent_ _Hill_.”, she yelled over the music.

“Cool. I'm still a receptionist.”, Remus yelled back. Standing up and moving around made his head swim.

“You're funny.”, Heather or Caitlin shouted in her American accent.

Remus had never really liked Americans that much, as they were usually the louder hostel guests that made unreasonable demands like wanting a working shower or a mattress without bed bugs, but she seemed nice. And pretty.

“You're pretty!”, he said and grinned at her.

“Are you flirting with me?”, she asked and danced a bit closer to him.

“Maybe.” Remus wasn't sure what he was doing anymore but couldn't stop thinking about what Sirius would say if he saw him like this, dancing with a pretty American girl.

“Don't take this the wrong way, but I kinda thought you were gay.” She grinned at him, somehow apologetically.

“Oh, I am. Like, most of the time.”

She nodded and laughed as if he had told her an amazing inside joke so Remus joined her, throwing his head back, almost stumbling into other dancers.

“Let's get out of here.” Heather or Caitlin suggested. She took his hand and lead him though the crowded space. “You have your own room here, right?”

“Sure do.” Remus slurred and staggered along.

They made it just out the door when they ran into Molly, who seemed to be fuming.

“Oh fuck.” Remus let slip. How could he have forgotten about Molly?

“What the hell do you think you're doing?”

Remus liked Molly. She was always nice to him. Being a bit older than he was, she seemed to feel the need to mother him from time to time by bringing baked goods or asking whether or not he was eating enough. But this angry looking Molly was downright frightening.

“I...”, he searched for words. Heather-Caitlin was still pressed against him, holding his hand. “I forgot the time. I'm so sorry Molly.”

“You are lucky I'm not calling Sybill right now! Get these people to quiet down this instance or I will, believe me!” She shot him and the American girl a furious glance.

“You do that and I wait for you in your room? You could bring the rum?” Heather-Caitlin giggled into Remus' ear.

Molly's eyebrows shot up and she let out a laugh. “Really Remus? I expected that sort of thing from Sirius or even Peter, but you? I am so disappointed.”

“S-sorry.” Remus stuttered.

Molly stormed into the reception and Remus gave the American girl his keys.

The group was not easily calmed but finally Remus' managed to convince them to go on a pub crawl around the corner instead. He surveyed the mess in the lounge. He would have to clean that up tomorrow morning. And apologize to Molly. But that could wait.

Remus barely registered how much he was swaying as he picked up a half empty rum bottle from behind a couch pillow. Heather-Caitlin was waiting for him. He took a big swig from the bottle before he could change his mind.

A persistent knocking that sounded to Remus like someone was trying to punch his door down, woke him a few hours later.

As he slowly opened his eyes he could feel the full force of his hangover and had to concentrate hard to not just vomit right there and then. He tried to push himself out of his bed when he noticed the bare arm slung over his chest.

“Oh God.”, Remus mumbled to himself. There was a naked woman in his bed.

The knocking got louder and he had no choice but to free himself from whoever that woman was. Their clothes were strewn all over the floor and it took Remus a moment to find his trunks under something that looked like a blood spattered nursing outfit. _Oh God_.

Standing upright seemed impossible so Remus gave up and waddled miserably over to the door.

“What the fuck, Remus!” Sirius exclaimed, as soon as he opened the door. “Molly left me a note saying you had a fucking party and you didn't even have the decency to clear up after yourself? Did you see the fucking lounge?”

“Ehm...” Remus started.

“Oh, hey! What time is it?” A tired voice from inside the room interrupted him.

Remus whipped around far to quickly for his poor head and had to steady himself against the door frame. The woman in his bed was sitting up. She was holding the sheet up to cover herself but it was obvious that she was naked underneath.

“Who the fuck is that!?” Sirius yelled.

“Ehm...” Remus looked from Sirius to the woman and back to Sirius.

“I'm Tanya.”, she stated. “Who are you?”

“I'm Sirius Black you dumb slut and I'm his fucking... “ Sirius interrupted himself quickly, shaking his head in disbelief. “You know what Remus? Go Fuck yourself!”

“Oh, no is this your boyfriend?” Tanya asked Remus, who felt utterly confused.

“That's non of your fucking business. Get dressed and fuck off back to Hooters.” Sirius looked so angry and hurt and Remus wanted to reach out to him and explain, if he could only understand what was going on.

“Wow Remus, that guy sure does like to swear a lot. Maybe he should take better care of you so you won't go wandering off. Who leaves their boyfriend alone on Halloween anyways?”, she stated.

“ _Anyways_ is not a real word, Brittney. Now get the fuck out. And you Remus, put on some fucking clothes and take a shower. You smell like Boots and the Maccas drive-thru had a baby!” Sirius shot them one last raging glance before turning around, slamming the door shut.

“You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend.”, Tanya said quietly.

“Oh, he isn't. My boyfriend. We... ehm... used to date but then we broke up because things got complicated.” Remus tried to explain. He had half a mind to go running after Sirius, but what could he even say? Tears were stinging in his eyes and he could feel desperation well up from within, because this just wasn't fair. How was it, he thought, that he always managed to fuck up?

“That's okay, baby. Don't worry about it.” Tanya offered. “I'll get dressed, yeah? If it makes you uncomfortable just look away.”

Remus nodded as he felt tears roll down his face. _Damn it,_ he thought and quickly wiped them away. He needed to pull himself together. Crying in his underwear in front of a one-night stand wasn't really his usual morning, but he was sure that whatever this was, it wasn't Tanya's fault.

“You can turn around now. I'm decent.”, she said lightly.

Remus did and Tanya was standing in front of his bed in her laughably cheesy nurse costume, awkwardly fiddling with the dresses hem.

“I know, right?”, she grinned and gestured at herself. “Wasn't my idea, just so you know. And I'm sorry if I made things awkward for you. That really wasn't my intention.”

“'S alright.” Remus mumbled. “Was my own fault.”

“No hard feeling then?”, she asked.

“No. Of course not. I'm sorry. About Sirius. You are really nice and I'm sure a really great person but...” Remus stammered.

“Hey, look, I get it! What happens on Halloween and so on. Let's just be friends and forget about last night.” Tanya held out her hand and winked.

“Okay. Thanks.” Remus took her hand and shook it.

“Besides” Tanya started, “we didn't actually have sex.

“Oh?” Remus couldn't mask the relief in his voice.

“No.”, she laughed. “We took our clothes off and you fell asleep. Kinda cute, really.”

“Oh. That's embarrassing.” He shrugged apologetically. “But probably for the best.”

Tanya grinned and assured him one last time that everything was fine before leaving Remus' room.

Remus let out a sigh and started looking for the water bottle he usually kept next to his bed.

He had to find a way to apologize to Molly and maybe Sirius. Mostly Molly.

He really shouldn't drink ever again, Remus thought grimly as he located the bottle, half full of stale tab water, and almost keeled over with the effort of bending down. It always got him into trouble and the hangovers seemed to be getting worse the older he got.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes shortbread and a marble statue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orville Peck is great editing music, if anyone's interested in that sort of thing.

Apologizing to Molly was harder than Remus had expected.

As shift plan in November gave him mostly morning shifts he tried leaving notes and chocolates with Peter, and he had of course cleaned up the lounge until it was tidier than it had ever been before, but Molly still wouldn't reply to his texts.

It took him a week of pondering over whether or not he needed to find a new job, before he remembered all the scones and biscuits Molly had made him and the rest of the staff.

Remus was no cook or baker, most of his meals consisted of toasted sandwiches or tinned tomato soup, but after calling his mum and asking for advice he had the foolproof family shortbread recipe.

Most guests had cleared out after Halloween, he had the kitchen to himself, so he spent a whole afternoon making batches of shortbread. The first batch burned but the second and third turned out presentable and Remus was rather pleased with himself.

Later that night he received a text from Molly that simply stated:

_Thank you for the shortbread. Add a pinch of salt. I forgive you this time. Love, Molly_

Remus felt some of the weight lift off his shoulders and quickly sent his mum a long message expressing his never ending love for her and her life-saving recipes.

_If only every problem could be solved with shortbread_ , Remus joked to himself halfheartedly.

Working with Sirius had been even more awkward in the past week than before Halloween, as Sirius went from being detached and polite towards Remus, to simply ignoring him. It stung Remus to see how close Sirius suddenly was with Peter, the latter even being invited to some party at James' and Sirius' place in the middle of the week.

Remus wanted to ask Lily for advice but he couldn't bring himself to call Lily or reply to her countless texts. They hadn't spoken much after that uncomfortable phone call a while ago and he knew he should just contact her but something was holding him back. Lily was James' girlfriend after all and James was Sirius' best friend, basically his brother. Didn't people pick sides after a breakup? Not that this counted as a breakup, more as an inevitable fallout, Remus mused darkly, but could he really expect Lily and him to still be friends?

He couldn't have been more surprised when Lily stomped into the reception on Thursday morning, a week and a half after Halloween.

“Remus Lupin!” She stopped right in front of the reception desk, hands on her hips, reminding Remus a lot of Molly on a bad day. “You either tell me right now why you've been ghosting me so mercilessly or I will beat it out of you!”

It wasn't as if Lily was tall enough to warrant such a statement but her eyes burned with so much fury Remus didn't doubt her for one second.

“Hey Lily. I'm sorry.”, he mumbled, feeling himself shrink behind the desk.

“You better be!”, she exclaimed but then softened her expression. “I've been worried about you. Peter told me at Sirius' birthday party that you seem sad. Plus you skipped our lunches for far too long now. I miss you.”

“I'm really sorry. I just kind of thought that you being with James you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore, since Sirius and I aren't really...”

“Nonsense!”, Lily interrupted him. “We are friends, right? I stick to my friends no matter what my boyfriend and his live-in husband get up to. In case you hadn't noticed, James doesn't get to tell me what to do or who to be friends with. Not that he would.”

Remus smiled. Relieve washed over him. “I never thought he could. I'm sorry Lily. Honestly. It won't happen again.”

“Good.” Lily smiled back.

“Did you say it was Sirius birthday last week?” Remus asked carefully.

“Yeah. Don't blame Peter for not telling you, Sirius made him promise he wouldn't say a word.”

“Oh.” It hurt more than Remus would have liked to admit. “I just... I don't really know what to do.”, he admitted, letting out a sigh.

Lily nodded sympathetically. “I can imagine. I mean, I don't really know what happened between you two, but Sirius has been close to blowing up for days now. Of course he doesn't want to talk about it, not with me at least, but I guess that date never happened?”

Remus shrugged and proceeded to tell Lily everything. About them fighting when Sirius showed up after his night away, the mutual understanding that whatever they had was over and at last about Halloween and Tanya.

“Wow, Sirius should really tone down his slut-shaming!”, Lily declared as Remus told her about the other man's reaction to finding Tanya in his room. “Especially coming from him!”

Remus wasn't sure if he wanted to know what Lily was referring to. The thought of Sirius hooking up with anyone made him feel annoyingly jealous.

“I guess he was just hurt.”, he offered in his defense and to distract himself from the image of Sirius and some handsome stranger making out in a booth.

“Still, he's an adult.”, she sighed and, after suggesting they sit down, made herself comfortable behind the desk.

“I just don't understand why he won't talk to me. He ignores me like he's waiting for me to apologize, but I don't think I should.” Remus shook his head in desperation.

“No. You don't have anything to apologize for.”, Lily agreed.

“The pathetic thing is that I would forgive him instantly, if he would just say something. Anything.” He laughed bitterly.

“Remus, that doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you a good person. I think you understand that Sirius never wanted to hurt you.”, she said emphatically.

“I guess you're right.”

“Oh, I always am. Didn't you notice?”, Lily teased and Remus rolled his eyes.

She stayed with him in the reception a while longer until a friendly Danish couple checked in and she had to leave for work.

Lily's words stayed with him throughout the day but the closer it got to swapping over shifts, the more nervous he got.

Sirius strolled into the reception surprisingly punctual and gave Remus a terse nod. His face was unreadable, as it had been too often lately, and he didn't meet Remus' eyes.

“Hey, Sirius.” Remus said as calmly as possible, trying to ignore his stomach dropping at the sight of the other man. He had risen from his chair automatically as Sirius entered.

“Hi.”, Sirius replied. His face didn't betray any emotion and reminded Remus of a marble statue, just as beautiful and just as cold.

They were quiet for a moment, standing on opposite sides of the reception desk and Remus felt the tension like a wall between them. He was hoping Sirius would break the silence, but he just looked past him blankly.

“So, ehm.” Remus took a deep breath. “This sucks.”

Sirius shrugged indifferently. “Whatever. Did you talk to the laundry guy about all the stains, or do you want me to do that?”

“I called him yesterday.” Remus could feel his heart beat faster. “Look, Sirius, this sucks...”

“You said that.”, Sirius interrupted him.

“Why are you mad at me?”, Remus asked exasperatedly.

Sirius still wouldn't look at Remus but his frown seemed to deepen a bit. “I'm not mad. I just think that you showed me pretty clearly that we are done and that you've moved on.”

“What?” Remus wanted to shake him, but restrained himself to grabbing the edge of the desk instead.

“Oh come on Remus, you know what I'm fucking talking about!”, Sirius exclaimed.

“I didn't even have sex with Tanya!” Remus yelled back. “And even if I had, it would be none of your business. Did you expect me to just wait around for you until you made up your mind whether I was worth an apology?”

“No I... What?” Sirius finally looked up at Remus in surprise.

“I fell asleep before anything happened.” Remus replied quietly.

Sirius seemed to think this over and then chuckled. “Seems to be a pattern with you.”

Remus couldn't help but grin sheepishly.

They were quiet again.

Someone was banging a door shut on the first floor and an ambulance drove past the hostel.

Remus waited.

“You're right.” Sirius finally began and shrugged helplessly. “You're right, of course you are. I should have talked to you, but...”, he pulled at his hair, messing up the artful bun on top of his head. “It's not that easy. Fuck!”

“I'm not going to judge you, Sirius.”, Remus offered.

Sirius didn't say anything for an uncomfortable amount of time and Remus had to concentrate on his breathing to not start panicking.

“I know.” Sirius then said, quietly, looking neither angry nor relieved and Remus was reminded of the way Sirius had been after Bella's visit. “I just don't know what to say.”

“Say that you're sorry?”, Remus replied softly.

Sirius nodded. He seemed to be shaking.

“Of course I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry for hurting you. I wake up every day wishing I hadn't said those things, believe me, but I did and what kind of person does that make me? I am just as bad as my fucking family!” Sirius hands were in his hair again and Remus felt his heart ache at the display of emotion on the other mans face.

“It's okay.”, he said, what he hoped was, soothingly.

“No, it's not okay! I fucked up and I really didn't want you. I like you, Moony, I really do. You get to me and I want to make you happy and...”, he trailed off.

“Sirius, it's okay. Really. I like you too.” Remus said.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

Remus nodded. His heart was hammering in his chest because Sirius was standing right in front of him, looking beautifully disheveled. He drew a shaky breath, walked around the reception desk and pulled Sirius into a hug.

Sirius responded immediately, pulling him closer and burying his face between Remus' neck and shoulder. “I missed you.”, he murmured.

Remus smiled into Sirius' hair. “I missed you too.”

“Let's never fight again, okay?” Sirius said, nuzzling Remus affectionately.

Remus hummed in agreement.

They had to break apart quickly at the sound of someone clearing their throat. Remus turned scarlet red but Sirius flashed a disarming smile at the middle-aged couple, that was standing in the doorway.

Check-In was quick and Remus handled most of it, as they hadn't swapped over shifts officially yet, but Sirius offered to show them to their room, which gave Remus a minute to breathe and think.

“So, do you...”, Remus began, as Sirius walked back into the reception. “Do you want to go out with me?”

Sirius smiled guardedly. “Yeah. If that's what you want?”

“Yes.” Remus said, and then more quietly added: “But I want you to tell me why you ran away and who Bella is.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows and Remus noticed that he was chewing his bottom lip.

“Okay.”, he said.

“Okay.”, Remus repeated, more to himself than Sirius.

He felt exhausted, but for the first time since Sirius' disappearance the feeling wasn't accompanied by hopelessness. Sirius had apologized and was talking to him again, and Lily was still his friend. He wasn't alone.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes pasta, pizza and a difficult conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of abuse

Initially Remus had planned the date to take place at a small venue that offered live music and reasonably priced beer, upon Lily's suggestion, but he and Sirius had agreed to stay home and cook together instead. James had offered to leave the apartment to them and promised Lily to take her out.

Remus wasn't sure if Sirius could cook, the dinner could easily be a disaster, but he had to agree that staying at home to properly talk sounded nice.

He took the tube to Sirius' place and got to the posh neighborhood thirty minutes early. After walking around the block twice Remus decided to linger in front of the apartment block and smoke the time away, but families passing by shot him angry glances and a middle aged man clicked his tongue upon seeing him, so he decided to ring the doorbell with fifteen minutes to spare.

He was buzzed in immediately and Remus took the stairs two steps at a time. His heart was beating fast, not only because of the accidental cardio, when Sirius opened the door, smiling.

“Hey! You're early.”, he said and beckoned Remus into the hallway.

The apartment was just as grand as Remus remembered it, but a lot tidier. Sirius seemed to have made an effort. That or Lily had finally snapped and forced him and James to clean up their mess.

“I bought everything for Pasta Arrabbiata. Hope you like spice?”, Sirius asked.

Remus had followed Sirius into the kitchen and accepted the beer that was offered.

“Sure.”, he lied, clutching the cold bottle in his hands.

“Great!” Sirius grinned and took a big swig of his beer. “The recipe called for two chilies, but I could only find chili-flakes, so we'll just dump a bunch of them in. I also have chili-powder and tabasco sauce somewhere if it's too mild.”

“Are you trying to kill me?”, Remus asked.

He felt nervous and slightly out of place, but Sirius' lighthearted tone relaxed him bit by bit.

“That would be counterproductive, Moony. I am trying to get in your pants.” Sirius winked exaggeratedly.

“With chili?” Remus grimmaced.

“Well, not on the second date. I am a three date girl myself.”, Sirius stated, looking rather pleased with himself.

“Prude.” Remus teased. “So, are we cooking together or are you secretly an amazing chef and want me to admire you?”

Sirius let out a barking laugh that made Remus smile. He had almost forgotten how easy it was to like Sirius Black.

“I am amazing at a lot of things, Moony. My pancakes are all right, and I will make them for you someday soon, but no, honestly I can't cook for shit.”

“What a surprise.”, Remus said sarcastically, which earned him a gasp in mock-horror from Sirius.

“How dare you. Here I am, sharing my deepest insecurities and you taunt me.” Sirius grinned, but the statement caught Remus off guard, wiping his smile off his face. Sirius caught his expression, even as Remus tried to mask it by taking a sip of beer.

“Sorry, Rem.”, he said and then cleared his throat. “The recipe looks easy as, so if we follow it to the tee, we'll be fine.”

“Follow it but also add tabasco?”, Remus joked, glad about the change of topic.

“Creative freedom!”, Sirius declared and started to gather the ingredients.

Sirius was just as bad a cook as Remus had expected. The recipe seemed to be taken as vague guidelines and watching him chop garlic made Remus fear for both their lives. The water boiled over, the onion burned and neither Remus nor Sirius could remember if they had added salt at all.

“We could just order pizza.”, Remus offered at the sight of Sirius desperately scraping the pan, trying to salvage the charred vegetables.

“Oh, you say that now?”, Sirius groaned, dropping the spatula in defeat. “Fine! But I'll pay.”

Remus grinned. “Yes, please.”

Sirius, who was looking for his phone, whipped around and stared at Remus, mouth slightly open.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Nothin'”, Sirius mumbled. Remus couldn't be sure, as the other man had tuned his back to him, but he could have sworn Sirius was blushing.

They ordered pizza and settled down on the old couch that dominated the living room and looked like it could belong to Sybill Trelawney, tobacco stains included.

It was hard for Remus to get comfortable, even though the couch was so soft it seemed to swallow him up. He was sitting inches away from Sirius, who was alternating between picking at the label of his beer bottle and smiling up at Remus.

“Do you wanna watch telly while we wait?”, Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. He never watched telly. His mum was convinced that televisions caused brain-rot so growing up he had to entertain himself with books instead.

“I don't actually know where the remote is.” Sirius admitted with a sheepish grin. “But if you want I can go looking for it. Jamie hid it a while ago because he wanted to watch the World Cup or something daft like that, so it can't be far. He's rubbish at hiding things from me.”

“No, it's fine.” Remus said and they fell into silence.

Remus was just starting to wonder whether or not he was boring Sirius', when the other man scooted closer and put his arm around Remus' shoulder.

“Okay?”, Sirius asked gently.

“Yes. I'm sorry. I'm nervous.” Remus said.

Sirius hummed in agreement and leaned his head onto Remus' shoulder. “Yea, me too.”

Remus counted to three in his mind and then, slowly, let his hand rest on Sirius' thigh. “Okay?”

Sirius chuckled. “Yes. You have big hands, Moony.”

“Oh?”, Remus murmured. He felt himself blush.

“Yes. I wonder what they would look like wrapped around my...”

“Oi!”, Remus interrupted him by pushing him away playfully, and Sirius burst into laughter.

“You should see your face!” Sirius exclaimed breathlessly and Remus tried his best to look offended.

“I love it when you blush.”

Remus rolled his eyes but squeezed Sirius' thigh slightly.

“Knew you weren't mad.” Sirius muttered.

“You know me so well.”, Remus mocked and squeezed the other man's leg again for good measure.

“No, but I'd like to.”, Sirius said softly.

The doorbell interrupted Remus' heart making somersaults. Sirius shot up and jogged to the door like an excited puppy. He skipped back into the room a few minutes later, holding the pizzas up triumphantly.

“Dinner is served!”, he bellowed and handed Remus his pizza with a bow.

Remus hadn't noticed how hungry he was until the smell of cheese and tomato filled the air, but now he could hardly stop himself. They wolfed down the pizzas in a matter of minutes and Remus felt close to bursting.

“I wish we had ordered garlic bread.”, Sirius sighed as he tucked his knees under himself to get into a more comfortable position on the sofa.

“How are you still hungry?”, Remus asked exasperatedly.

“I have a fast metabolism!” Sirius exclaimed. “That's how I look so fit.”

“I have a fast metabolism too, but I really struggled with that last slice.”

“That's why you're so skinny!” Sirius chuckled and poked Remus in the side. “I can feel your ribs.”

“Yes because I'm made of bones, you idiot.” Remus grinned back. “You should have paid more attention in biology class.”

“Impossible. I had a really hot biology teacher. Mr Svenson was probably responsible for my sexual awakening. In fact you look a bit like him.”

“That clears up the mystery why you are attracted to me then.” Remus had intended the comment as a joke but Sirius looked at him quizzically.

“It's not a mystery Moony. Do you know how hot you are?”

Remus felt heat rise in his cheeks again and shrugged.

“You've got to be kidding me! I was all over you the second I saw you. And that was before I even knew how funny and sarcastic and smart you are. All the guests are constantly flirting with you and it's driving me insane.”

The earnest way in which Sirius delivered his little speech made Remus smile.

It was true that he didn't consider himself particularly attractive, if he consider his own looks at all. He had given up caring about appearance a long time ago, focusing his insecurities on his scars instead.

He rolled his eyes at Sirius. “I wasn't fishing for compliments, you know. But thanks.”

Sirius smiled back. “You really are an idiot at times.”, he said softly and gave Remus a quick kiss on the cheek.

A small peck wasn't supposed to make his heart race like that, Remus thought, but it had been so long since he had gotten to kiss Sirius. He wanted to pull Sirius into his lap and bury his hands in the long black locks, but they had to have a conversation first.

Remus took a breath to steady himself. “Do you want to talk?”

Sirius started chewing his bottom lip, sending a tingle down Remus' spine. “Not really, but I guess we'll have to.”, he said quietly.

“Show me yours and I'll show you mine?”, Remus said softly.

Sirius took an audible breath and nodded. “I don't know where to start.”

He had noticeably tensed up, so Remus took his hand and squeezed it encouragingly.

“Bella is my cousin. I didn't see her for a year or so before she found me at the hostel. I want to say that she's the craziest one in my family but then I'd have to discount my mother or my father and that just wouldn't be fair.” Sirius laughed bitterly.

“My family believe themselves to be aristocrats, no fucking clue if that's actually true, but _keeping the bloodline pure_ is very important to them. So we are basically all inbred. Hence the insanity.”

The disdain in Sirius' voice made Remus shiver.

“I ran away at sixteen. I just had enough of their bullshit. They wanted me to join their cultish law-firm and marry a cousin twice removed.”

“Did they know you are gay?” Remus asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“Oh, they did. I told them when I was fourteen, mostly just to piss them off, even if it was true. They gave me the usual treatment. Shouted at me that I was a disgrace to the family name and a bad influence on my brother and so on, but they got over it pretty quickly. I don't think they really cared what I was feeling or who I really was, as long as I didn't act out in public and ended up joining the long line of sexually suppressed, sadistic lunatics that make up my family.”

Sirius paused and ran his free hand through his hair.

“I started living with Jamie and his parents when we weren't at school. Did I mention I we went to a boarding school in Scotland? I fucking loved being away from my family so school and James were probably the only things that saved me from becoming one of them.

Things were okay for a while after I ran away. My father disowned me and I couldn't see Reg anymore, but living with the Potters was probably the first time I felt welcome somewhere. They never told me I was a blood-traitor or a faggot and they never hit me either.”

“Your parents _hit_ you?” Remus exclaimed before he could stop himself, but he wasn't exactly surprised.

“They did a lot of things Moony, but I don't want to talk about that, okay?” Sirius looked at him with a guarded expression.

“Yes, of course. I'm sorry...”

“All good.” Sirius interrupted him. “As I said, everything was fine for a couple of years but after I graduated my family tried to contact me again and again, trying to pressure me into joining the firm, the usual.

I ignored them and eventually got a restraining order but then they started to blackmail me. Threatening my friends and partners was the first thing they did but I wasn't really worried at that point. I thought that even the Black's can't just assassinate people. It's not the 18th century anymore, even if they seem to be stuck in the past. Sure, that was fucking naive of me, but I was nineteen.

Eventually they got one of my exes to leak nudes. Made him go to the press and talk about what a pervert I am and all the things I made him do and...” Sirius broke off.

He was staring at their intertwined hands. Remus desperately wanted to say something to make him feel better but he was lost for words.

“I don't blame Calum. My family can be very _convincing_. But I got a lot of shit from people, mostly online, which is why I don't have any social media. A big loss, if you ask me, because the world needs to see more of my gorgeous face.” Sirius chuckled and Remus forced a smile.

He didn't have social media himself, so he never noticed, but Sirius certainly seemed like he would have been popular on Instagram. Remus didn't care for that sort of thing but it made him furious at everyone who had harassed Sirius and taken away his ability to express himself online.

“If there is one thing that I'm proud of, it's that I never gave in. And they eventually gave up. Or so I thought until Bella showed up a couple of weeks ago. I never read the letter so who fucking knows what they want from me this time, but that's why I was so... _emotional_.” Sirius spat out the last word like it was a bad taste on his tongue.

Remus felt a pang of guilt for having read part of the letter. He had almost forgotten about it, but now he wondered what Sirius would say if he knew.

“I don't know where they got my phone number from but they tried calling me a couple of times after that. I never told you or James because I thought if I'd just ignore it, it wouldn't affect me, but one day I just snapped. That's why I went away. I couldn't bare speaking to anybody, couldn't bear to even hear myself think because after all this time they still get into my fucking head and I am so sick of it!” He was breathing heavily and clutching Remus' hand in his until it hurt.

Remus wanted to cry for Sirius, with Sirius, tell him everything was going to be fine, but how could he? He wasn't even sure if he completely understood what they were up against and as much as he wanted Sirius' family to just leave him alone for ever, it was unlikely that was going to happen.

“I'm here for you.”, he said instead.


End file.
